November 21, 2001. There are certain days that are forever etched into your memory; for some it's the day that Kennedy was shot, for others it's 9/11. For me, and a handful of others, it's November 21, 2001, the day before Thanksgiving.
My mom, step-dad and I had just arrived in Milwaukee at my Aunt Cyndy's to celebrate the holiday with Cyndy and her partner, Janice and were sitting down to dinner. About halfway through the meal, my mom got a call on her cell from my dad. Thinking he wanted to talk to me, she handed the phone over and I answered, but he requested to talk to mom. She took the phone to the kitchen and moments later I heard what I like to refer to as the "Mom-gasp". A few minutes later, she sat back down at the table and broke the news. My cousin Matt, age 26, had been found in his car in his dad's garage, dead at his own hand.
I remember a lot about the rest of that night, yet it all seemed so surreal. We talked about Matt around the table and what a tragedy it was to lose someone so young. I remember just being in shock at the news. I knew he had been struggling, but I never knew how much. We lived completely different lives. I remember being so angry with him, not because he was dead, but because he had left us all behind. We would have helped him through it, didn't he know that?? I remember crying myself to sleep that night, wondering if he was happy now. But there was an element of bitterness to it. How could he put us all through this? Didn't he know how much it would hurt those he left?
I didn't get to go to his funeral. I was already back at Drake and the weather kept me from getting back home. It took me a long time to get the closure I needed, I think, because of that. The following year or so proved to be a difficult one, but I had a close group of friends who supported me through it all.
In the coming months, people would ask me if we were close. Maybe not so much as I was at Drake and he was trying to find himself in Minnesota. We saw each other at holiday get-togethers and that was about it. But growing up, Matt and his younger brother, Chris, were the only cousins I had nearby. I guess you could say we grew up together in a way. Regardless of our relationship, he will always be family and I love him.
It's been eleven years to the day that Matt took his own life and once again, it is the day before Thanksgiving. I think for that reason the day has been so prevalent in my mind today. That, and the desire to keep Matt's memory alive. Despite what he may have thought (and I can not begin to imagine the depths of what he was thinking), he did have people who truly loved and cared about him. People who would have done anything for him. People who miss him every day.
Rest In Peace, Matthew Stephen Shian. You are loved and missed so much.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
God IS in the Small Stuff
I've been giving a lot of thought lately to how God answers prayer. Why does He answer some prayers and not others? Why are some prayers answered immediately, while others, you pray for years without any results? Are some prayers more important than others? What kinds of prayers does He answer?
The thing I've noticed is that the prayers God is answering in my life right now are the brief thoughts that kind of just flash through my brain at random times. I don't necessarily recognize them as prayers, but just as a sort of conversation that's happening in my head. For example, thinking this morning that I'd like to get up at a certain time (because I hadn't set my alarm), and sure enough, Sarah knocked on my door at precisely the time I wanted to get up, with my "lost" iPod in her hand. Yep, 2 answers to prayer and I hadn't even woken up yet!
The question or even struggle I've heard from a lot of people is feeling like the little things don't matter to God. He's too big, everybody else wants His time, why would He bother listening to my piddly prayers about what time I want to get up in the morning? But the thing is, He does care, He wants to bless us, even in the most insignificant ways. And we have to have our eyes open to it. I have this tendency to put the blinders on and to put my sights only on the things God hasn't given me, yet. Some of the things I ask God for, perhaps I'm not ready for at this point in my life. But "Wait" does not mean "No." Sometimes, God will say no to things we ask of Him and we need to trust in His sovereignty, knowing that He wants His best for us. Not what we think is best for us. Sometimes, He will ask us to wait, because maybe, just maybe, He wants to do something amazing in our lives and the thing we want so desperately may hold us back from really, truly knowing Him. I am trying to learn to trust Him fully in the waiting.
Which leads me to another thought I've been having. We talk a lot about waiting on God. "I'm waiting on God for a job," "I'm waiting on God for a child," "I'm waiting on God for a spouse," etc... Could it be that sometimes God is waiting on us? Is there ever a time when God says, "I have so much to give you, I'm just waiting for you to take a step"? And once we step off the ledge, into the unknown, that's when God begins to move in our lives and things start to happen. But until you take even the tiniest step of faith, your both in this sort of stand-still, wondering who's going to make the first move. Sometimes, I think it has to be us.
The thing I've noticed is that the prayers God is answering in my life right now are the brief thoughts that kind of just flash through my brain at random times. I don't necessarily recognize them as prayers, but just as a sort of conversation that's happening in my head. For example, thinking this morning that I'd like to get up at a certain time (because I hadn't set my alarm), and sure enough, Sarah knocked on my door at precisely the time I wanted to get up, with my "lost" iPod in her hand. Yep, 2 answers to prayer and I hadn't even woken up yet!
The question or even struggle I've heard from a lot of people is feeling like the little things don't matter to God. He's too big, everybody else wants His time, why would He bother listening to my piddly prayers about what time I want to get up in the morning? But the thing is, He does care, He wants to bless us, even in the most insignificant ways. And we have to have our eyes open to it. I have this tendency to put the blinders on and to put my sights only on the things God hasn't given me, yet. Some of the things I ask God for, perhaps I'm not ready for at this point in my life. But "Wait" does not mean "No." Sometimes, God will say no to things we ask of Him and we need to trust in His sovereignty, knowing that He wants His best for us. Not what we think is best for us. Sometimes, He will ask us to wait, because maybe, just maybe, He wants to do something amazing in our lives and the thing we want so desperately may hold us back from really, truly knowing Him. I am trying to learn to trust Him fully in the waiting.
Which leads me to another thought I've been having. We talk a lot about waiting on God. "I'm waiting on God for a job," "I'm waiting on God for a child," "I'm waiting on God for a spouse," etc... Could it be that sometimes God is waiting on us? Is there ever a time when God says, "I have so much to give you, I'm just waiting for you to take a step"? And once we step off the ledge, into the unknown, that's when God begins to move in our lives and things start to happen. But until you take even the tiniest step of faith, your both in this sort of stand-still, wondering who's going to make the first move. Sometimes, I think it has to be us.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
A Day of Rest
The last couple weeks I've been trying to figure out how to have a Sabbath. Like, what do you do on your Sabbath day? I think there's more to it than just not working, but there's not really a "Sabbath Day For Dummies" that outlines activities you should be doing. Or not doing. We talk about the necessity of a day of rest, and I agree that's really important, but what does that mean? Certainly finding time to be in the Word and getting with the Lord is a big part of it. But I don't think I could sit and read my Bible for 12 hours, could you? So I'm just trying different things and seeing what works. No TV is one thing. It's way too easy for me to get caught up in television programming, even if there's nothing on. I haven't quite gotten to no computer yet, though I am trying to spend less time on social media sites (says the girl updating her blog...).
This morning, after reading in Psalms and eating breakfast, I thought I might give verse memorization a try. I don't necessarily struggle to memorize verses, but I haven't disciplined myself to be in the practice on a regular basis. I decided to start with 1 John 1:1-4 since we'll be going through the book of 1 John at church and after a lot of pacing around the apartment and gesturing to help me remember key words, I think I finally got it. I will probably spend the week focusing on those four verses just to make sure that they are really sinking in. No sense in rushing.
I also went for a walk this morning and just listened to worship music and enjoyed nature. I now have a path if I ever decide to take up running and want to do the couch to 5k, but that's another post! As I was walking, I came to a point where I could continue on the path that I knew the end result or I could get on a bike/walking trail that I had not pursued before. I started going the familiar route but then turned around, thinking that maybe I knew where the walking trail would take me and decided to go the road less traveled (at least by me). I ended up being so glad that I did. For one thing, it was a lot prettier than the other route, but if I hadn't backtracked a little, I never would have seen a couple from my church walking with their new baby, nor would I have seen the gorgeous red of a male cardinal just before he flitted away into the woods. I am learning that it is the little things in which God speaks or makes His presence known. And as I continued walking, I started looking around for more signs that He was walking with me.
I also began thinking about how our walk with the Lord is often like that; we want to walk on the path we know, the one we have walked for so long that our footsteps have worn into the path, we could travel it with our eyes shut. We don't rely on God's help because, in a way, we don't think we need Him anymore. But when we, with the Father's guiding hand, decide to veer off the path and go a different direction, we start to see things we have never seen before. Life becomes exciting and new again. And because we don't know which way to go, we take the Father's hand again and walk closer with Him. And He delights in showing us all of the things He has made for us.
We have all heard the saying that "the joy is in the journey". I have also heard "arguments" against that, saying that the joy is at the end of the journey, when we will spend eternity with Christ in heaven. No question I agree with that, but I think there can be joy in the journey of life as well when we experience it the way that God intended for us. And when we have experienced joy in life, how much sweeter will it be when we experience true and lasting joy in the presence of God the Father for eternity?
This morning, after reading in Psalms and eating breakfast, I thought I might give verse memorization a try. I don't necessarily struggle to memorize verses, but I haven't disciplined myself to be in the practice on a regular basis. I decided to start with 1 John 1:1-4 since we'll be going through the book of 1 John at church and after a lot of pacing around the apartment and gesturing to help me remember key words, I think I finally got it. I will probably spend the week focusing on those four verses just to make sure that they are really sinking in. No sense in rushing.
I also went for a walk this morning and just listened to worship music and enjoyed nature. I now have a path if I ever decide to take up running and want to do the couch to 5k, but that's another post! As I was walking, I came to a point where I could continue on the path that I knew the end result or I could get on a bike/walking trail that I had not pursued before. I started going the familiar route but then turned around, thinking that maybe I knew where the walking trail would take me and decided to go the road less traveled (at least by me). I ended up being so glad that I did. For one thing, it was a lot prettier than the other route, but if I hadn't backtracked a little, I never would have seen a couple from my church walking with their new baby, nor would I have seen the gorgeous red of a male cardinal just before he flitted away into the woods. I am learning that it is the little things in which God speaks or makes His presence known. And as I continued walking, I started looking around for more signs that He was walking with me.
I also began thinking about how our walk with the Lord is often like that; we want to walk on the path we know, the one we have walked for so long that our footsteps have worn into the path, we could travel it with our eyes shut. We don't rely on God's help because, in a way, we don't think we need Him anymore. But when we, with the Father's guiding hand, decide to veer off the path and go a different direction, we start to see things we have never seen before. Life becomes exciting and new again. And because we don't know which way to go, we take the Father's hand again and walk closer with Him. And He delights in showing us all of the things He has made for us.
We have all heard the saying that "the joy is in the journey". I have also heard "arguments" against that, saying that the joy is at the end of the journey, when we will spend eternity with Christ in heaven. No question I agree with that, but I think there can be joy in the journey of life as well when we experience it the way that God intended for us. And when we have experienced joy in life, how much sweeter will it be when we experience true and lasting joy in the presence of God the Father for eternity?
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Reflections....
I finally did it. I got rid of the tv in my room today. Well, sort of. I need to actually bring it down to the trash, but everything is unplugged, unhooked and whatnot. The only avenue of media in my room is my computer. And my phone, I suppose, but that goes with me just about everywhere. Purging myself of the tv has been a long time coming. I've known that I just need to get rid of the thing; I don't have it on 90% of the time anyway and when I do, I hardly pay attention to it. I'll hold on to it if I want to watch a movie or something. I don't need a tv in my bedroom. A 2-bedroom apartment with 3 tv's seems excessive, especially since I own 2 out of the 3 tv's. Time to get rid of one, I think. And now there's room on top of my dresser for more important, personal things, like framed photos of my family. That's something worth looking at.
One might say I actually have too many pictures scattered about my room on various shelves, but I would personally disagree. I'm my mother's daughter, I suppose, in that regard. But my photos are what makes my room, mine. The sign on my door says "Tiffany's Room" (put there right after we moved in, I suppose to tell people who came over whose room was who's), but it's what's inside that makes it distinctly Tiffany. My room is a reflection of who I am because I put myself into it.
Just as I should be a reflection of who God is, because He put Himself in me. My identity is found in God because He created me and I belong to Him. What a neat concept. I belong to God. I am His and He is mine. Even when I feel like I don't belong or I'm alone somehow, I always have my God and Father. He is always right beside me. I am so grateful to Him for that. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me, no matter what I've done or who I am. His is the love that lasts beyond a lifetime and I have done nothing to deserve it. What an amazing God we serve!
One might say I actually have too many pictures scattered about my room on various shelves, but I would personally disagree. I'm my mother's daughter, I suppose, in that regard. But my photos are what makes my room, mine. The sign on my door says "Tiffany's Room" (put there right after we moved in, I suppose to tell people who came over whose room was who's), but it's what's inside that makes it distinctly Tiffany. My room is a reflection of who I am because I put myself into it.
Just as I should be a reflection of who God is, because He put Himself in me. My identity is found in God because He created me and I belong to Him. What a neat concept. I belong to God. I am His and He is mine. Even when I feel like I don't belong or I'm alone somehow, I always have my God and Father. He is always right beside me. I am so grateful to Him for that. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me, no matter what I've done or who I am. His is the love that lasts beyond a lifetime and I have done nothing to deserve it. What an amazing God we serve!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Created to create
The Bible says that we were created in God's image. So if He created the whole universe, including the people in it, then He created us to create. I realize that means more than being an artist, but there is something to that. I'm not the world's most artistic person, however. I mean, I can be creative in other ways, but when it comes to making "art" I'm all thumbs. But when I came across this on Pinterest a while back, I knew I wanted to flex my creative muscles and give it a shot. Plus it was a new way of using the creative gifts God has given me and I wanted Him to be glorified through the process. All I needed were the supplies and the time and I finally acquired both today!
In the original blog that inspired my bout of creativity, she used magazines, pages from old books, sheet music and a whole host of other things for her canvas projects. I don't have magazines, nor was I about to spend upwards of $15 on something I was about to tear apart and I can't foresee ripping pages from any of my books (unless it was my old accounting textbook, but who wants to make art from that??), but the sheet music I had and with a flash on inspiration, I settled on using the fronts of old greeting cards. A trip to Wal-Mart, and then to Target for the vinyl lettters, later, I settled down to start working on the first project.
For the first project, I selected a few cards I liked and began separating the fronts from the backs then once I determined I had enough to fill my 11x14 canvas I started arranging them how I wanted and using Elmer's Craft Bond I glued them in place. Then I had to decide what quote or saying I wanted to use. This was honestly the hardest part of the whole project as I didn't have enough of the letters I needed for my original idea (note to self: buy 2 packs of vinyl letters), but the letters are easily removed so I was able to start, and restart, several times. Eventually I settled on You Are My Victory, which is a great song off of Jimmy Needham's new album, Clear The Stage.
Next, I decided on my paint colors and covered the entire thing. Once my creation had dried, I set to work peeling the letters off to reveal the final project. A quick coat of Mod Podge and my "artwork" is complete!
For the second one, I decided to make use of some old sheet music I had from a church choir performance that happened several years ago. I had already decided on How Great Thou Art as my quote, so why not use the sheet music as well? The steps from there are basically the same as the first, so I won't bore you with that again, but I really think I like my second attempt better than the first. Both look good, but I'm a big fan of the purple :-)
I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking....
Project 1: You Are My Victory
Project 2: How Great Thou Art
The final product!!!
In the original blog that inspired my bout of creativity, she used magazines, pages from old books, sheet music and a whole host of other things for her canvas projects. I don't have magazines, nor was I about to spend upwards of $15 on something I was about to tear apart and I can't foresee ripping pages from any of my books (unless it was my old accounting textbook, but who wants to make art from that??), but the sheet music I had and with a flash on inspiration, I settled on using the fronts of old greeting cards. A trip to Wal-Mart, and then to Target for the vinyl lettters, later, I settled down to start working on the first project.
For the first project, I selected a few cards I liked and began separating the fronts from the backs then once I determined I had enough to fill my 11x14 canvas I started arranging them how I wanted and using Elmer's Craft Bond I glued them in place. Then I had to decide what quote or saying I wanted to use. This was honestly the hardest part of the whole project as I didn't have enough of the letters I needed for my original idea (note to self: buy 2 packs of vinyl letters), but the letters are easily removed so I was able to start, and restart, several times. Eventually I settled on You Are My Victory, which is a great song off of Jimmy Needham's new album, Clear The Stage.
Next, I decided on my paint colors and covered the entire thing. Once my creation had dried, I set to work peeling the letters off to reveal the final project. A quick coat of Mod Podge and my "artwork" is complete!
For the second one, I decided to make use of some old sheet music I had from a church choir performance that happened several years ago. I had already decided on How Great Thou Art as my quote, so why not use the sheet music as well? The steps from there are basically the same as the first, so I won't bore you with that again, but I really think I like my second attempt better than the first. Both look good, but I'm a big fan of the purple :-)
I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking....
Project 1: You Are My Victory
All in all, not super time-consuming and I love the results! I will definitely be making more of these. Now I have to figure out where and how to hang them....
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Love vs Hate, Gay vs Straight, Chicken vs Beef?
Ok, I admit it. I was one of thousands who stood in line for 2 hours just to "Eat Mor Chikin" today. And I've read a lot of blogs, tweets and facebook posts both for and against the event that have gotten me thinking so I thought I'd add to the list in the hopes that it might make you think as well :-)
Some people decided not to go to Chick-Fil-A today, not because they don't support what the company stands for, but because they feel that God has a higher calling for us. Why squabble over the little things? On the one hand, I agree with most of what they are saying. God does call us to love, not hate. While I was standing in line this afternoon, however, what was on my mind and in my heart was not with the intention of hating homosexuals. It was to love the Word of God and to show support to some people who are in a vast minority. Hate was the farthest thing from my thoughts (eating was in the top 5, as the minutes ticked by!). Somebody commented on a picture I posted today on facebook: "Doesn't God want us to love all people?" Yes, yes He does. Unequivocally. But since when have love and tolerance gone hand in hand? Where does it say I have to agree with someone in order to love them?
I read some tweets that stated standing in line to eat chicken was a waste of time when there are starving children all over the world. Okay, ouch. Yes, that is absolutely true, but what did you do today to help to remedy that global issue? God does call us as Christians to take care of the widows, the orphans, the poor, the outcast. If you did something today to answer that call, then I will eat my words and you made a better use of your time than I did. But if not, please don't criticize my decision to make a stand for Truth. And maybe next week I'll go volunteer at a soup kitchen...
Others didn't go to Chick-Fil-A because they oppose Dan Cathy's views on traditional marriage. And that's fine. I don't agree with their view, they don't agree with mine, but we are entitled to have our opinions and beliefs. What bothers me is when those of us who decided to stand in line today are accused of being hateful towards a group of people. The people I was in line with were not a bunch of hateful bigots. They were retired, middle-class, God-loving and God-fearing people. There were young, old, married, single, black, white, Asian, long-haired, short-haired, able-bodied, disabled, etc. And we were all brought together by common belief and purpose. In the two hours I stood in that line, I did not hear one hateful thing espoused by anyone near me. For the most part, we spent time just getting to know each other and learning people's backgrounds. Nothing more. Tell me where the hate is here. If you had been gay and were standing in line with us, it wouldn't have made a difference. Because today was not about gay versus straight. It really all boils down to freedom of speech and religion.
Some people decided not to go to Chick-Fil-A today, not because they don't support what the company stands for, but because they feel that God has a higher calling for us. Why squabble over the little things? On the one hand, I agree with most of what they are saying. God does call us to love, not hate. While I was standing in line this afternoon, however, what was on my mind and in my heart was not with the intention of hating homosexuals. It was to love the Word of God and to show support to some people who are in a vast minority. Hate was the farthest thing from my thoughts (eating was in the top 5, as the minutes ticked by!). Somebody commented on a picture I posted today on facebook: "Doesn't God want us to love all people?" Yes, yes He does. Unequivocally. But since when have love and tolerance gone hand in hand? Where does it say I have to agree with someone in order to love them?
I read some tweets that stated standing in line to eat chicken was a waste of time when there are starving children all over the world. Okay, ouch. Yes, that is absolutely true, but what did you do today to help to remedy that global issue? God does call us as Christians to take care of the widows, the orphans, the poor, the outcast. If you did something today to answer that call, then I will eat my words and you made a better use of your time than I did. But if not, please don't criticize my decision to make a stand for Truth. And maybe next week I'll go volunteer at a soup kitchen...
Others didn't go to Chick-Fil-A because they oppose Dan Cathy's views on traditional marriage. And that's fine. I don't agree with their view, they don't agree with mine, but we are entitled to have our opinions and beliefs. What bothers me is when those of us who decided to stand in line today are accused of being hateful towards a group of people. The people I was in line with were not a bunch of hateful bigots. They were retired, middle-class, God-loving and God-fearing people. There were young, old, married, single, black, white, Asian, long-haired, short-haired, able-bodied, disabled, etc. And we were all brought together by common belief and purpose. In the two hours I stood in that line, I did not hear one hateful thing espoused by anyone near me. For the most part, we spent time just getting to know each other and learning people's backgrounds. Nothing more. Tell me where the hate is here. If you had been gay and were standing in line with us, it wouldn't have made a difference. Because today was not about gay versus straight. It really all boils down to freedom of speech and religion.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Loving God First, Last and Always
Man, it's been awhile. This summer has been...well, other than hot, kind of a whirlwind. I can't believe we're almost halfway into July already! I think that as I get older, time tends to keep going faster. Sometimes I'd really like to just put life on pause so I can get a clear view of where I'm going.
I've been participating in West Town's Epicenter program this summer, something I haven't done since I think 2006. It's been really good; challenging, but good. God is working on me in a lot of ways, especially with things that tend to get in the way of my relationship with Him. The first week, Rory Whitney came and spoke and focused mostly on loving God with our whole heart, soul, mind and strength and removing idols from our lives. Until recently, I don't think I had realized how many idols I've set up in my own life. Honestly, I left that message feeling a bit like a failure as a Christian and a rough couple of weeks followed. And then I tend to get stuck in this trap of thinking that I have to perform well in order for God to accept or love me. I know that's not true. I'm a work in progress. There are just so many things I want to let go of, but I'm not sure I know how.
My fear of rejection
The need for human acceptance
My desire to be married
The first two kind of go hand in hand. But they trip me up so much when it comes to sharing my faith with people. I don't want people to reject me and so I don't step out and talk about my faith. I fear being left alone and so I'd rather go with the crowd than be left behind. By the way, I view this differently from being alone (as in by myself). I thoroughly enjoy my "alone" time!
The third one I don't tend to share as much. Not that it's a bad thing to want to be married, but I think this is probably one of the biggest things that gets in the way of me really loving God. It really has become a huge idol in my life. Sometimes I feel like I must be doing something wrong somehow and if I could just fix whatever it is, God would give me a spouse. I know I need to be looking to the Giver and not the gift. I understand that God's timing is perfect, but my heart doesn't believe it yet. Yet being the key word there. I just need to daily fix my eyes on Christ and ask Him for help in staying focused on Him. I pray that He would not just be my first love, but that He would be my only Love. And the rest will follow.
I've been participating in West Town's Epicenter program this summer, something I haven't done since I think 2006. It's been really good; challenging, but good. God is working on me in a lot of ways, especially with things that tend to get in the way of my relationship with Him. The first week, Rory Whitney came and spoke and focused mostly on loving God with our whole heart, soul, mind and strength and removing idols from our lives. Until recently, I don't think I had realized how many idols I've set up in my own life. Honestly, I left that message feeling a bit like a failure as a Christian and a rough couple of weeks followed. And then I tend to get stuck in this trap of thinking that I have to perform well in order for God to accept or love me. I know that's not true. I'm a work in progress. There are just so many things I want to let go of, but I'm not sure I know how.
My fear of rejection
The need for human acceptance
My desire to be married
The first two kind of go hand in hand. But they trip me up so much when it comes to sharing my faith with people. I don't want people to reject me and so I don't step out and talk about my faith. I fear being left alone and so I'd rather go with the crowd than be left behind. By the way, I view this differently from being alone (as in by myself). I thoroughly enjoy my "alone" time!
The third one I don't tend to share as much. Not that it's a bad thing to want to be married, but I think this is probably one of the biggest things that gets in the way of me really loving God. It really has become a huge idol in my life. Sometimes I feel like I must be doing something wrong somehow and if I could just fix whatever it is, God would give me a spouse. I know I need to be looking to the Giver and not the gift. I understand that God's timing is perfect, but my heart doesn't believe it yet. Yet being the key word there. I just need to daily fix my eyes on Christ and ask Him for help in staying focused on Him. I pray that He would not just be my first love, but that He would be my only Love. And the rest will follow.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Receiving Christ
This morning as I was skimming over last night's Twitter feed, I came across something that caught my eye: "Why Jesus Doesn't Want You To "Ask Him Into Your Heart". The blog author, Jeff Bethke, had some really valid points that I totally identify with, because for a long time I believed that that was what saved me from hell. Asking Jesus in my heart. Rather than quoting Mr. Bethke word for word, I'm going to try to paraphrase a bit here. It isn't that asking Christ into your heart is bad or wrong, necessarily, because the Bible even teaches that there needs to be a receiving of Christ at some point in your life as a Christian. But, what most people fail to mention is that the receiving of Christ is not the end. Sanctification doesn't stop there; it is a continual process.
Here's what I mean: I prayed to receive Christ at the age of 9. My cousin, Jason, shared the gospel with me one summer when I was in Arizona visiting family. He explained to me, essentially, that I was a sinner and that because I didn't have Christ in my heart, I would go to hell when I died. Well, that was enough to scare me into some kind of action and he prayed with me to receive Christ. (Side-note here: I am a very visual person and so to tell a 9 year old with an active imagination that Christ is going to come into my heart, you can only imagine what went through my head!) I'm not sure what I expected to happen after we prayed together, but I honestly have to say it felt kind of anti-climactic. There were no big flashes of light, the choirs of angels didn't start singing....my aunt bought me a real Bible (not an illustrated one) and after that week, I flew home to Minnesota where I received no instruction on how to live out this so-called faith.
So here's issue number 1 that I take with this whole asking Christ into your heart thing: Becoming a Christian is about repentance and relying on God's grace to help you through it. At age 9, I'm not even sure I really grasped what sin was, let alone how to repent from it. Second, I think that when people use this terminology, they need to be really careful to tell the person they're reaching out to what being a Christ-follower means. It isn't easy. Without God, it's impossible. I don't mean that we should scare people away from following Christ, but I do think that a lot less people would walk away from the faith if they understood what they were getting into at the outset. Most people, upon trying something new, try it because it looks fun or easy, but once they realize how difficult something really is they give up. But we also need to show them that for every hardship there is abundant blessing. That God's grace is truly enough for our every need. That God has so much more for us than what we will ever give up for Him.
I'm going to end by quoting Jeff's blog
Here's what I mean: I prayed to receive Christ at the age of 9. My cousin, Jason, shared the gospel with me one summer when I was in Arizona visiting family. He explained to me, essentially, that I was a sinner and that because I didn't have Christ in my heart, I would go to hell when I died. Well, that was enough to scare me into some kind of action and he prayed with me to receive Christ. (Side-note here: I am a very visual person and so to tell a 9 year old with an active imagination that Christ is going to come into my heart, you can only imagine what went through my head!) I'm not sure what I expected to happen after we prayed together, but I honestly have to say it felt kind of anti-climactic. There were no big flashes of light, the choirs of angels didn't start singing....my aunt bought me a real Bible (not an illustrated one) and after that week, I flew home to Minnesota where I received no instruction on how to live out this so-called faith.
So here's issue number 1 that I take with this whole asking Christ into your heart thing: Becoming a Christian is about repentance and relying on God's grace to help you through it. At age 9, I'm not even sure I really grasped what sin was, let alone how to repent from it. Second, I think that when people use this terminology, they need to be really careful to tell the person they're reaching out to what being a Christ-follower means. It isn't easy. Without God, it's impossible. I don't mean that we should scare people away from following Christ, but I do think that a lot less people would walk away from the faith if they understood what they were getting into at the outset. Most people, upon trying something new, try it because it looks fun or easy, but once they realize how difficult something really is they give up. But we also need to show them that for every hardship there is abundant blessing. That God's grace is truly enough for our every need. That God has so much more for us than what we will ever give up for Him.
I'm going to end by quoting Jeff's blog
From now on what do you say we….
Stop asking Jesus into our heart, and start asking Jesus to change our heart.
Stop receiving Jesus, and start following Jesus
Stop raising our hand for Jesus, and start raising our obedience for Jesus.
If there is Anything Worthy of Praise
I read a blog recently (Here) that encouraged me to make a couple of lists. The first containing things that draw me to Jesus. They don't have to necessarily be "biblical", but just things that cause me to pause and worship my Creator and Savior. The second list is of things that pull me away from Him or cause me to focus on myself. These lists can change, they aren't concrete at all. So without further ado:
Things That Stir My Affection Towards Christ
1. Sunrise/Sunset
2. Reading my Bible
3. Serving my church selflessly
4. My new Jimmy Needham album
5. Our crazy toddlers at work
6. Extended quiet times at Caribou
7. Reading books that reveal more of Christ's character
8. Writing this blog
9. My Bible study (the people in it)
10. Praying for Isaac
Things that Kill My Affection for Christ
1. Too much time on the computer or in front of the tv
2. Gossip at work
3. Trying too hard to please people
4. Staying up late for no reason
5. Having meaningless conversations
6. Binge eating/stress eating
What about you? What would be on your lists? And how can we practically work these things out in our own lives so that we run to the things that stir our affections toward Christ and run away from the things that kill those affections for Him? I think for me, some of these things just happen naturally. But, especially in terms of the second list, I have control and a choice over what I will or won't do. I can choose to spend less time on the computer or watching tv. I can choose to walk away from gossip. I can choose to please God and not worry about what anyone else thinks of me....get the idea?
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 (ESV)
Things That Stir My Affection Towards Christ
1. Sunrise/Sunset
2. Reading my Bible
3. Serving my church selflessly
4. My new Jimmy Needham album
5. Our crazy toddlers at work
6. Extended quiet times at Caribou
7. Reading books that reveal more of Christ's character
8. Writing this blog
9. My Bible study (the people in it)
10. Praying for Isaac
Things that Kill My Affection for Christ
1. Too much time on the computer or in front of the tv
2. Gossip at work
3. Trying too hard to please people
4. Staying up late for no reason
5. Having meaningless conversations
6. Binge eating/stress eating
What about you? What would be on your lists? And how can we practically work these things out in our own lives so that we run to the things that stir our affections toward Christ and run away from the things that kill those affections for Him? I think for me, some of these things just happen naturally. But, especially in terms of the second list, I have control and a choice over what I will or won't do. I can choose to spend less time on the computer or watching tv. I can choose to walk away from gossip. I can choose to please God and not worry about what anyone else thinks of me....get the idea?
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 (ESV)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
20-ish teen retreats and counting
I think this weekend marked somewhere close to 20+ teen conferences I've helped out with in some way. 2 retreats per year x 10 years or so? And I've loved every single one of them. This weekend though probably ended up being one of my favorite teen conferences I've been a part of over the last 10-12 years, for a lot of reasons, really.
Trying to prepare for the conference last week, I had two plans to implement, but I didn't know until Thursday evening if I would be going with plan A or plan B. When plan B becomes plan A, well, then things get confusing :-) By Thursday early evening, I was so stressed about what I was going to do about setting up for the conference, I couldn't decide if I should cry or vomit. I had so much anxiety about this weekend, or at least the preparations for it, that it was all I could do to just go into survival mode. But, things got worked out and as usual, I had a great crew of guys helping me late Thursday night to get things ready to go, not only for the teen retreat, but also for the Church Planters Roundtable we were hosting at the camp on Friday. Praise God for wonderful bosses who will let me switch my days off so that I can be available to run sound for these events!
Once Friday morning hit, I made my trek over to the camp so I could get all of the power points ready to go for the Roundtable. Naturally I would run into a snag with a few of them, but then God started answering prayers I didn't even know I had prayed as 2 very computer savvy guys from our sister church in Columbus, OH walked through the doors of Jordan Hall. I honestly don't know what I would have done had they not been there to help me get things figured out; they were such a blessing! Working with these men and their wives was yet another testimony of how getting in the trenches, serving the Lord together and bringing Him glory, unifies brothers and sisters in Christ like nothing else can. We may not see each other again until heaven or the Lord's return, but I honestly feel like I made lifelong friendships this weekend.
As the day went on, it was then time to get ready for the teens to come in and God just kept on providing people to help. The band that played Friday and Saturday nights brought their audio guy with them and after reluctantly giving the board over to him, I started to realize how much of a blessing it was to not have that responsibility, because it freed me up to take on more of a servant leadership role.
God knew what I needed before I needed it. Before the thought could even really form in my head, He was there, providing the exact thing I wanted. He provided in so many huge ways this weekend; with people and equipment and just keeping me encouraged. At the end of a retreat weekend, I am usually pretty depleted. But this weekend, I have never felt so ministered to and ready for the next thing. Bring it on! (I might regret saying that later) But I cannot say it enough; I want to shout from the mountaintops how great and how awesome God is!
Trying to prepare for the conference last week, I had two plans to implement, but I didn't know until Thursday evening if I would be going with plan A or plan B. When plan B becomes plan A, well, then things get confusing :-) By Thursday early evening, I was so stressed about what I was going to do about setting up for the conference, I couldn't decide if I should cry or vomit. I had so much anxiety about this weekend, or at least the preparations for it, that it was all I could do to just go into survival mode. But, things got worked out and as usual, I had a great crew of guys helping me late Thursday night to get things ready to go, not only for the teen retreat, but also for the Church Planters Roundtable we were hosting at the camp on Friday. Praise God for wonderful bosses who will let me switch my days off so that I can be available to run sound for these events!
Once Friday morning hit, I made my trek over to the camp so I could get all of the power points ready to go for the Roundtable. Naturally I would run into a snag with a few of them, but then God started answering prayers I didn't even know I had prayed as 2 very computer savvy guys from our sister church in Columbus, OH walked through the doors of Jordan Hall. I honestly don't know what I would have done had they not been there to help me get things figured out; they were such a blessing! Working with these men and their wives was yet another testimony of how getting in the trenches, serving the Lord together and bringing Him glory, unifies brothers and sisters in Christ like nothing else can. We may not see each other again until heaven or the Lord's return, but I honestly feel like I made lifelong friendships this weekend.
As the day went on, it was then time to get ready for the teens to come in and God just kept on providing people to help. The band that played Friday and Saturday nights brought their audio guy with them and after reluctantly giving the board over to him, I started to realize how much of a blessing it was to not have that responsibility, because it freed me up to take on more of a servant leadership role.
God knew what I needed before I needed it. Before the thought could even really form in my head, He was there, providing the exact thing I wanted. He provided in so many huge ways this weekend; with people and equipment and just keeping me encouraged. At the end of a retreat weekend, I am usually pretty depleted. But this weekend, I have never felt so ministered to and ready for the next thing. Bring it on! (I might regret saying that later) But I cannot say it enough; I want to shout from the mountaintops how great and how awesome God is!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
What Good is Your Faith?
Over the last several weeks I've been going through a Beth Moore study on the book of James with some ladies from church. For the longest time, I've said that James is my favorite book in the Bible, but really I was basing that on one specific passage, not the whole book. As many times as I've read James and underlined and highlighted, this is the first time it's really deeply resonated within my spirit. James is becoming my favorite book because of all of its content, not just some of it. I wish I could spend pages and pages talking about all the ways that this book has convicted me and brought me to a place of knowing that God is moving and He's taking me with Him whether I want to go or not. Better to follow Him willingly then go kicking and screaming, right?
Here's the overarching theme from this book for me: What good is your faith? James' whole point here is that we can all talk the talk, but if you're not living it out, then what good is it? I can talk until I'm blue in the face about how much I love the Lord, but if I'm not being obedient to His Word, then what good is it? James was not a man to beat around the bush. He is direct and to the point and it is often that kind of a word that I need spoken into my life to get a point through my thick skull.
Now, on the one hand, I kind of feel like I've gotten this whole "good works" thing down. With a gift for service, it's kind of hard not to. But being a Martha isn't what James is getting at here. Anyone can be busy in ministry. The thing that God has been pounding in my head isn't about ministry or doing things for the church. It's about giving of myself to people in need; people who cannot fight for themselves; people without a voice of their own. To love the lost, the broken, the unwanted, the rejected. To go beyond giving a couple dollars to a charity here or signing up for this newsletter or that one to keep informed on what's going on in the world of _________, but actually get in and get my hands dirty and fight for something. I still don't know exactly what that looks like yet and I don't even know for sure what I'm fighting for. But I know that I can be a voice for the voiceless and with the strength of the Lord, I can be His hands and feet.
God, I don't know where you're leading me and I don't know how we're going to get there, but I'm trusting you to take my hand and to show me the way. I know that it won't be easy, so I'm asking you to help me keep my eyes fixed firmly on Jesus and to trust that there is joy in the sorrow and blessing in being obedient to You. Lord, I cast all of my fears and anxieties on You and rest in the promise the peace that passes understanding is mine in Christ Jesus.
Here's the overarching theme from this book for me: What good is your faith? James' whole point here is that we can all talk the talk, but if you're not living it out, then what good is it? I can talk until I'm blue in the face about how much I love the Lord, but if I'm not being obedient to His Word, then what good is it? James was not a man to beat around the bush. He is direct and to the point and it is often that kind of a word that I need spoken into my life to get a point through my thick skull.
Now, on the one hand, I kind of feel like I've gotten this whole "good works" thing down. With a gift for service, it's kind of hard not to. But being a Martha isn't what James is getting at here. Anyone can be busy in ministry. The thing that God has been pounding in my head isn't about ministry or doing things for the church. It's about giving of myself to people in need; people who cannot fight for themselves; people without a voice of their own. To love the lost, the broken, the unwanted, the rejected. To go beyond giving a couple dollars to a charity here or signing up for this newsletter or that one to keep informed on what's going on in the world of _________, but actually get in and get my hands dirty and fight for something. I still don't know exactly what that looks like yet and I don't even know for sure what I'm fighting for. But I know that I can be a voice for the voiceless and with the strength of the Lord, I can be His hands and feet.
God, I don't know where you're leading me and I don't know how we're going to get there, but I'm trusting you to take my hand and to show me the way. I know that it won't be easy, so I'm asking you to help me keep my eyes fixed firmly on Jesus and to trust that there is joy in the sorrow and blessing in being obedient to You. Lord, I cast all of my fears and anxieties on You and rest in the promise the peace that passes understanding is mine in Christ Jesus.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Beloved
There are so many things I feel like I could write, but since I don't want to commit to writing a novel tonight perhaps I'll keep it down to one or two things God has shown me in the past couple weeks. First, I started the 90-day Bible reading plan at the beginning of March and aside from being pretty intense (reading 12-15 chapters a day), it's been really good to get more of an all-encompassing view of what's going on in each "story". Near the end of Deuteronomy, the Israelites are preparing to enter the promised land and, as He has done so many times before, the Lord is speaking to Moses:
The Lord said to Moses, "You are about to rest with your fathers, and these people will soon commit adultery with the foreign gods of the land they are entering. They will abandon Me and break the covenant I have made with them. 17 My anger will burn against them on that day; I will abandon them and hide My face from them so that they will become easy prey. Many troubles and afflictions will come to them. On that day they will say, 'Haven't these troubles come to us because our God is no longer with us?' 18 I will certainly hide My face on that day because of all the evil they have done by turning to other gods. ~Deuteronomy 31:16-18
Honestly, if this were all up to me, mankind would be sunk. If I knew, going into this, that everyone who claimed to follow me would turn their backs on me, betray me and abandon me, I would have given up before we even got started. Which is why I'm not God and He is. It astounds me the love that He has for us; that even though He knew from the start the Israelites would abandon their God to run after other gods, He has never given up on them. He has never given up on any of us. (side note: I think this is the biggest benefit I see in reading such large chunks of Scripture; everything that happens, whether good or bad, is all a result of God's love for His people. Whether He is disciplining the Israelites for something they've done, or promising to be with them always, it is all out of a love that is totally unchanging, unending, and unconditional)
Keeping in the vein of God's love, I'll let this video do most of the talking for me. I came across this today and as I was sharing the premise of it with a couple girlfriends, I started getting chills just talking about it. The video is done by one of the members of the band Tenth Avenue North and it's about the setting behind their new song Beloved. Check out the parallels between Jewish custom and the Last Supper.
So? Will you take the invitation if you haven't already?
The Lord said to Moses, "You are about to rest with your fathers, and these people will soon commit adultery with the foreign gods of the land they are entering. They will abandon Me and break the covenant I have made with them. 17 My anger will burn against them on that day; I will abandon them and hide My face from them so that they will become easy prey. Many troubles and afflictions will come to them. On that day they will say, 'Haven't these troubles come to us because our God is no longer with us?' 18 I will certainly hide My face on that day because of all the evil they have done by turning to other gods. ~Deuteronomy 31:16-18
Honestly, if this were all up to me, mankind would be sunk. If I knew, going into this, that everyone who claimed to follow me would turn their backs on me, betray me and abandon me, I would have given up before we even got started. Which is why I'm not God and He is. It astounds me the love that He has for us; that even though He knew from the start the Israelites would abandon their God to run after other gods, He has never given up on them. He has never given up on any of us. (side note: I think this is the biggest benefit I see in reading such large chunks of Scripture; everything that happens, whether good or bad, is all a result of God's love for His people. Whether He is disciplining the Israelites for something they've done, or promising to be with them always, it is all out of a love that is totally unchanging, unending, and unconditional)
Keeping in the vein of God's love, I'll let this video do most of the talking for me. I came across this today and as I was sharing the premise of it with a couple girlfriends, I started getting chills just talking about it. The video is done by one of the members of the band Tenth Avenue North and it's about the setting behind their new song Beloved. Check out the parallels between Jewish custom and the Last Supper.
So? Will you take the invitation if you haven't already?
Sunday, March 4, 2012
A Coincidence No Longer
On NCIS, Leroy Jethro Gibbs has come up with a set of "rules" he lives by. One of them is that there is no such thing as a coincidence and I agree with him wholeheartedly. So I've started calling them "God-incidences". And I'm noticing them all over the place.
First, this morning I was reading in Genesis (I just started the 90-day Bible reading plan; hoo-boy! That's a time commitment and a half, but I know it's going to be so worth it!) about God's promise to Abraham and then on the way to church, I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about the very passages I had just read! And here's the neat little thought he shared: we all make promises; small promises, big promises, but God makes God-sized promises. He told Abraham that he would be a blessing to everyone. Not just the people living on the planet at the time, not just us, but to all people who would seek God through Jesus Christ throughout all time. Pretty amazing, right?
Then, this morning at church, our pastor ended the sermon with the passage James 1:2-4;
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
which was the focus in day one of our homework in a study on the book of James I'm doing with a few other women right now.
I love God-incidences!
First, this morning I was reading in Genesis (I just started the 90-day Bible reading plan; hoo-boy! That's a time commitment and a half, but I know it's going to be so worth it!) about God's promise to Abraham and then on the way to church, I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about the very passages I had just read! And here's the neat little thought he shared: we all make promises; small promises, big promises, but God makes God-sized promises. He told Abraham that he would be a blessing to everyone. Not just the people living on the planet at the time, not just us, but to all people who would seek God through Jesus Christ throughout all time. Pretty amazing, right?
Then, this morning at church, our pastor ended the sermon with the passage James 1:2-4;
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
which was the focus in day one of our homework in a study on the book of James I'm doing with a few other women right now.
I love God-incidences!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
God's plan...and a broken foot
How do these two things relate, you ask? I've been wondering the same thing myself over the last week (since I broke my foot a week ago today). It has been a goal of mine to not complain or gripe while having to wear this lovely boot, and I'd say that I've done fairly well at not voicing my opinions out loud, but internally...well, that's a whole other story.
Let me backtrack to my blog title here though. For much of my Christian walk I have become convinced that everything happens for a reason. Whether it's because the Lord wants to teach us something about ourselves, about Him, about the people around us, etc. This "philosophy" has helped me especially during hard times because it reminds me that there is a purpose to the madness in my life. So why a broken foot? What can I possibly learn from this?
By and large, it is in my nature to complain and look at the negative side of things and this experience is no exception. "This boot is heavy and cumbersome." "I stand crooked." "My good foot hurts more than the other one because it's bearing most of my weight." "I feel limited and slowed down, like it takes me twice as long to do anything." "I feel like a burden to others."
Aha! I think it's those last two that are really key. I feel limited. Aside from my diabetes, I have always been a physically healthy person. I may not be the most active person on the planet, but I've never had issues getting around places. I can often find ways to get into places most people can't because of the lack of physical limitation and a "can-do" attitude. Now I have to take stairs one at a time. I can't walk as fast as I'm accustomed. Everything is just too slow and that wears on my own patience, plus I feel like I slow everyone else down. Which leads to feeling like a burden. I know that this is a lie. I am not a burden to anyone. I think that because I am so accustomed to being self-sufficient and to serving others, it's difficult for me to let other people serve me. It's not that I don't appreciate it, because I do, more than I can express, but the idea of somebody else doing something that I could normally do is almost humiliating to me.
So how can I turn this into a positive experience? I have to live with the boot for potentially another 5 weeks even though I'm ready to be rid of it now and right now, that 5 weeks seems like an eternity to me. But I need to make the best of the situation.
1. Perhaps explore more reasons as to why it's hard for me to let others take care of me. Is there an issue of pride I need to deal with?
2. Don't get discouraged when I need to take things more slowly. Typically there is no reason to be in a huge hurry.
3. Be thankful that it is only 5 more weeks and not something that I will have to deal with for a lifetime.
4. Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Especially when I'm feeling extra-annoyed with the boot and want to complain about it even in my head.
Only 5 more weeks. Maybe I'll create one of those paper chain thingies and count down until the final day and have a party when I'm officially out of this thing. Which actually leads me to rather strange parallel. (I apologize for my rambling; evidently this is what happens when I don't blog very often) Bear with me here on the analogy; if it doesn't make sense to you that's ok, it makes sense to me. Getting the boot off will be like the return of Christ. Being confined or limited by the boot is much like trying to live the Christian life in this world. We are confined, we are limited by several things including sin. We long for our home in heaven; to be with our God forever. We can't wait to get there. Things would be so much easier if Jesus would just come back now and set up His Kingdom on earth. We want to be completely free. But there are things that have to be done here and now and God has created us for this time and this place for a purpose: to glorify Him and to make His Name known throughout the world. The boot, for me, represents the limitations I place on myself that keep me from doing the things that God wants me to do. And until I can cast it (the boot/sin) aside, I am never truly free. And as much as we all can depend on the Holy Spirit to set us free from sin, we will still battle with it until the return of Christ. And that is something we can truly celebrate!!
Let me backtrack to my blog title here though. For much of my Christian walk I have become convinced that everything happens for a reason. Whether it's because the Lord wants to teach us something about ourselves, about Him, about the people around us, etc. This "philosophy" has helped me especially during hard times because it reminds me that there is a purpose to the madness in my life. So why a broken foot? What can I possibly learn from this?
By and large, it is in my nature to complain and look at the negative side of things and this experience is no exception. "This boot is heavy and cumbersome." "I stand crooked." "My good foot hurts more than the other one because it's bearing most of my weight." "I feel limited and slowed down, like it takes me twice as long to do anything." "I feel like a burden to others."
Aha! I think it's those last two that are really key. I feel limited. Aside from my diabetes, I have always been a physically healthy person. I may not be the most active person on the planet, but I've never had issues getting around places. I can often find ways to get into places most people can't because of the lack of physical limitation and a "can-do" attitude. Now I have to take stairs one at a time. I can't walk as fast as I'm accustomed. Everything is just too slow and that wears on my own patience, plus I feel like I slow everyone else down. Which leads to feeling like a burden. I know that this is a lie. I am not a burden to anyone. I think that because I am so accustomed to being self-sufficient and to serving others, it's difficult for me to let other people serve me. It's not that I don't appreciate it, because I do, more than I can express, but the idea of somebody else doing something that I could normally do is almost humiliating to me.
So how can I turn this into a positive experience? I have to live with the boot for potentially another 5 weeks even though I'm ready to be rid of it now and right now, that 5 weeks seems like an eternity to me. But I need to make the best of the situation.
1. Perhaps explore more reasons as to why it's hard for me to let others take care of me. Is there an issue of pride I need to deal with?
2. Don't get discouraged when I need to take things more slowly. Typically there is no reason to be in a huge hurry.
3. Be thankful that it is only 5 more weeks and not something that I will have to deal with for a lifetime.
4. Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Especially when I'm feeling extra-annoyed with the boot and want to complain about it even in my head.
Only 5 more weeks. Maybe I'll create one of those paper chain thingies and count down until the final day and have a party when I'm officially out of this thing. Which actually leads me to rather strange parallel. (I apologize for my rambling; evidently this is what happens when I don't blog very often) Bear with me here on the analogy; if it doesn't make sense to you that's ok, it makes sense to me. Getting the boot off will be like the return of Christ. Being confined or limited by the boot is much like trying to live the Christian life in this world. We are confined, we are limited by several things including sin. We long for our home in heaven; to be with our God forever. We can't wait to get there. Things would be so much easier if Jesus would just come back now and set up His Kingdom on earth. We want to be completely free. But there are things that have to be done here and now and God has created us for this time and this place for a purpose: to glorify Him and to make His Name known throughout the world. The boot, for me, represents the limitations I place on myself that keep me from doing the things that God wants me to do. And until I can cast it (the boot/sin) aside, I am never truly free. And as much as we all can depend on the Holy Spirit to set us free from sin, we will still battle with it until the return of Christ. And that is something we can truly celebrate!!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Mountaintop
It's amazing the things that happen in my head while I'm driving. Ok, amazing might not be exactly the right word there. Interesting, perhaps? Anyway, here's the thought/revelation of the day: it used to be, in the beginning of my walk with the Lord, that I could literally feel the presence of God with me. Perhaps it was because although I had been a "Christian" for 10 years prior, I had never sought God. Walking with God was a completely foreign concept to me and so once I had decided to submit myself to God, I knew without a doubt that He was with me.
It's been a long time since I've felt God's presence. I know, intellectually, that He is with me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, yet I cannot physically sense Him. It occurred to me today that just because I can't feel His presence with me doesn't mean that He isn't there. Perhaps, as I've hopefully grown in my faith, it will require more faith to believe that He is with me until the end of the age. And maybe, just maybe, I need to be more active in inviting Him in to the everyday things. Making Him a part of the dull, daily activities of life. Experiencing God in the valley as well as on the mountaintop. Which brings me to the lyrics of one of my current favorite songs:
"Mountaintop" The City Harmonic
The valley low that's where we'll make our homes
But this I know that's what He saved us from
Cause we've seen the glory of our King
On the mountaintop
We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God
Oh I don't care what happens to me now
I know for sure that we've been changed somehow
And we'll be the glory of our King
In His kingdom come
We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God
We build our temples
We build our walls
But they can't hold Him in
We are the temple of our God
But we can't hold Him in
We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God
(Click Here to hear the song)
It's been a long time since I've felt God's presence. I know, intellectually, that He is with me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, yet I cannot physically sense Him. It occurred to me today that just because I can't feel His presence with me doesn't mean that He isn't there. Perhaps, as I've hopefully grown in my faith, it will require more faith to believe that He is with me until the end of the age. And maybe, just maybe, I need to be more active in inviting Him in to the everyday things. Making Him a part of the dull, daily activities of life. Experiencing God in the valley as well as on the mountaintop. Which brings me to the lyrics of one of my current favorite songs:
"Mountaintop" The City Harmonic
The valley low that's where we'll make our homes
But this I know that's what He saved us from
Cause we've seen the glory of our King
On the mountaintop
We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God
Oh I don't care what happens to me now
I know for sure that we've been changed somehow
And we'll be the glory of our King
In His kingdom come
We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God
We build our temples
We build our walls
But they can't hold Him in
We are the temple of our God
But we can't hold Him in
We've been to the mountaintop
We've seen the glory of our God
He is here in the valley low
He's here I feel it in my bones
Our God here and now
We are the body of our God
(Click Here to hear the song)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thoughts and Ramblings
Ok, I admit it. Sometimes I feel like a total fake when it comes to my faith. I know all the right things to say and do, but when it comes to the things that matter to God (namely, my heart), am I really any different from the rest of the world? I think I have this tendency to check things off of my list (read the Bible; check, pray; check, go to church; check) and feel like God and I are doing all right. But am I really allowing Him control of my life? Am I letting the Holy Spirit change me from the inside out? Or am I still as prideful and self-righteous as I've always been? Admittedly there have been days that I've thought back on the day and actually had the thought "I don't remember sinning today..." Well, there's one right there, right? Thinking that I haven't done something to offend God? I don't think any of us can get through the day without sinning somehow, as Jesus Christ was the only person ever to live on this planet who was completely sinless.
I am tired of putting on one mask for certain situations and then putting on another for the world. Did you know it is exhausting trying to be someone you're not? I simply can't do it anymore. I am a Child of God, created in His image. He knew me in my mother's womb; knows everything about me. He knows all of my shortcomings and all of the things that make me tick. He knows my passions, good and bad, and He has created me for good works which He has had in mind since long before the world began. He created me for such a time as this, to belong to Christ and His Church. Even on the worst of days, when I feel like I've messed up beyond repair, God loves me and sees me as beautiful. I am the Bride of Christ.
This is not a post, by the way, berating myself for all of my failings as a Christian. Because I do recognize that there is grace; that God is merciful, but also that He is just. And to take advantage of His grace just to continue sinning is wrong. "Well, it's really ok that I just sinned because I'm saved and God has forgiven me." Okay, true, to a certain extent. If I am truly washed in the blood of the Lamb, then all of my sins, past, present and future are forgiven. But if I continue to live in bondage to the same sin, then I nail Christ to the cross all over again. I am essentially spitting in the face of my Savior, who shed His blood for me. But when I let grace enter in and I give everything up to Him, He is the one who changes me. It is not through anything I can do on my own. It is only by His Spirit that I can let go of my selfish ambitions, my pride, my anger, my foolishness, my lusts, my impulsiveness. I am so grateful to belong to a God who is so forgiving that He loves me just as I am, but One who is so just that He refuses to leave me this way!
I am tired of putting on one mask for certain situations and then putting on another for the world. Did you know it is exhausting trying to be someone you're not? I simply can't do it anymore. I am a Child of God, created in His image. He knew me in my mother's womb; knows everything about me. He knows all of my shortcomings and all of the things that make me tick. He knows my passions, good and bad, and He has created me for good works which He has had in mind since long before the world began. He created me for such a time as this, to belong to Christ and His Church. Even on the worst of days, when I feel like I've messed up beyond repair, God loves me and sees me as beautiful. I am the Bride of Christ.
This is not a post, by the way, berating myself for all of my failings as a Christian. Because I do recognize that there is grace; that God is merciful, but also that He is just. And to take advantage of His grace just to continue sinning is wrong. "Well, it's really ok that I just sinned because I'm saved and God has forgiven me." Okay, true, to a certain extent. If I am truly washed in the blood of the Lamb, then all of my sins, past, present and future are forgiven. But if I continue to live in bondage to the same sin, then I nail Christ to the cross all over again. I am essentially spitting in the face of my Savior, who shed His blood for me. But when I let grace enter in and I give everything up to Him, He is the one who changes me. It is not through anything I can do on my own. It is only by His Spirit that I can let go of my selfish ambitions, my pride, my anger, my foolishness, my lusts, my impulsiveness. I am so grateful to belong to a God who is so forgiving that He loves me just as I am, but One who is so just that He refuses to leave me this way!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Beautiful...
Recently I've made a conscious decision to spend less time in front of the tv. For those of you who know me, this is a big step in my life as I waste a lot of time at home just watching tv, doing nothing. If you didn't know that, well, now you do! As a result of this, I've spent a lot more time reading. So much time, in fact, that I just finished my 3rd book. In a month. At this rate, I'll have read every book on my bookshelves by May :-)
The books I've read most recently, however, have spoken to the very depths of my soul. In both, "Captivating" (John and Stasi Eldredge) and "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" (Angela Thomas) the authors explore the desire every woman has to be seen; to be captivating; to be loved. They write about how, as women, we spend our lives searching for that one person to answer our deepest question: Am I beautiful? But the answer cannot be found in a man. There is One to Whom we can look for the answer. God has been waiting patiently, inviting us to a deep, intimate relationship with Him. In God alone can we find that we are captivating. I love that word, by the way. Captivating. It says so much more to me than the word beautiful, and maybe that's because of how the world as skewed the term. But to be captivating. It goes so much more than skin deep. To put it in the terms Stasi Eldredge uses in "Captivating", a woman who is truly beautiful is at rest with her Lord. She is comfortable with who He made her to be. She has sat at the feet of Jesus and she glows within His presence.
In "Captivating", the authors also write that as women, God has given us a higher calling. We, as well as men, are His image bearers. God has made each one of us in His likeness. Men are to represent God as Warriors. As His strength. Women are to show the tender, intimate, relational side of God. But here is quite possibly one of my favorite passages in this book:
"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's David. He is...magnificent. Truly, masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing...and that something is Eve.
And the Lord God cast a deep slumber on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human (Gen 2:21-23)
"She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch." "Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge, p. 25)
The Eldredge's go on to say that Eve (women) was God's piece de resistance. The crowning touch of Creation. We have an important role to play in God's story.
In Angela Thomas' book, "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?", she explores our desire to be truly known. To be loved, wholly and completely, unconditionally, no strings attached. In Psalm 45:10-11 it says: Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear;
Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.
The King is enthralled by your beauty. Yours. And mine. He is captivated, smitten, fascinated, spellbound and delighted by me. Me? It's a concept I'm still trying to wrap my head around. God doesn't just love me, He is in love with me. "God's love for you in passionate and pure and without reservation. He never holds back or plays games with your heart...This kind of love does not stand you up. He always shows up, always remembers, and always keeps His promises. God's love is unrelenting. He does not turn away even if you do...God has seen you across the room, and He cannot take His eyes off you...The love that God has for us is the love your soul was made for. It is an intimate, vulnerable, completing kind of love." (Beautiful, Angela Thomas)
Truly, I have not completely grasped all of these concepts. Intellectually, I know them to be true, but in my heart of hearts I can't honestly say that I believe them to be true for me. But I am getting there. To know that I am truly loved by the Creator of all things, that I matter to the God of the universe, that my miniscule problems are important to Him, that He sees me as beautiful, as captivating; I could rest in that knowledge.
The books I've read most recently, however, have spoken to the very depths of my soul. In both, "Captivating" (John and Stasi Eldredge) and "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" (Angela Thomas) the authors explore the desire every woman has to be seen; to be captivating; to be loved. They write about how, as women, we spend our lives searching for that one person to answer our deepest question: Am I beautiful? But the answer cannot be found in a man. There is One to Whom we can look for the answer. God has been waiting patiently, inviting us to a deep, intimate relationship with Him. In God alone can we find that we are captivating. I love that word, by the way. Captivating. It says so much more to me than the word beautiful, and maybe that's because of how the world as skewed the term. But to be captivating. It goes so much more than skin deep. To put it in the terms Stasi Eldredge uses in "Captivating", a woman who is truly beautiful is at rest with her Lord. She is comfortable with who He made her to be. She has sat at the feet of Jesus and she glows within His presence.
In "Captivating", the authors also write that as women, God has given us a higher calling. We, as well as men, are His image bearers. God has made each one of us in His likeness. Men are to represent God as Warriors. As His strength. Women are to show the tender, intimate, relational side of God. But here is quite possibly one of my favorite passages in this book:
"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's David. He is...magnificent. Truly, masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing...and that something is Eve.
And the Lord God cast a deep slumber on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human (Gen 2:21-23)
"She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch." "Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge, p. 25)
The Eldredge's go on to say that Eve (women) was God's piece de resistance. The crowning touch of Creation. We have an important role to play in God's story.
In Angela Thomas' book, "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?", she explores our desire to be truly known. To be loved, wholly and completely, unconditionally, no strings attached. In Psalm 45:10-11 it says: Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear;
Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.
The King is enthralled by your beauty. Yours. And mine. He is captivated, smitten, fascinated, spellbound and delighted by me. Me? It's a concept I'm still trying to wrap my head around. God doesn't just love me, He is in love with me. "God's love for you in passionate and pure and without reservation. He never holds back or plays games with your heart...This kind of love does not stand you up. He always shows up, always remembers, and always keeps His promises. God's love is unrelenting. He does not turn away even if you do...God has seen you across the room, and He cannot take His eyes off you...The love that God has for us is the love your soul was made for. It is an intimate, vulnerable, completing kind of love." (Beautiful, Angela Thomas)
Truly, I have not completely grasped all of these concepts. Intellectually, I know them to be true, but in my heart of hearts I can't honestly say that I believe them to be true for me. But I am getting there. To know that I am truly loved by the Creator of all things, that I matter to the God of the universe, that my miniscule problems are important to Him, that He sees me as beautiful, as captivating; I could rest in that knowledge.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Year
It's the almost the end of the 2nd day of a New Year. Why is that capitalized, anyway? What's so special about a new year that we end up giving it proper name status? (I'm not really sure where I'm going with that, btw; just a random thought I had) I do find it interesting; however, that people spend so much time trying to figure out their New Year's Resolutions at the end of the previous year.
"I'm going to eat healthier and lose weight."
"I'm going to quit smoking."
"I'm going to stop swearing."
And the list goes on.
I read an interesting blog post by Mark Driscoll yesterday about why those resolutions never work. Sure, we go strong for a time, but by mid-February we find ourselves back at the McDonald's drive-thru, or buying a new pack of smokes at the gas station, or we hear those words coming out of our mouths we vowed to never say again. But why? We have good intentions, don't we? We know that it's better to eat a well-balanced meal than to scarf down a Big Mac, right? But like all things, it comes down to our intentions.
Why do you want to eat healthier and lose weight? Is it to impress someone? Is it because you hate how you look in that dress but you really want to wear it? Or do you want to live a healthier lifestyle because you want to honor God and treat your body as His temple? The same would apply to any bad habit we've adopted into our physical lifestyle. Why quit smoking? Because you know that you are treating the body with which the Lord had blessed you with contempt? Or because you "should"? Do you decide to stop cussing because you want to be seen as a better person, holier-than-thou? Or because you want to honor the Lord with your mouth; the mouth that He created?
I think we need to stop focusing so much on the "what" and begin to think about the "Who". Who are we doing this for? If I am trying to make these changes for me, I am doomed to fail. My flesh and my sin nature set me up for failure and disappointment. But if I truly want to give God the glory in all things, then the natural order of things is that I will start to live my life in a way that is honoring to Him. It all comes down to this: anything we do in our lives should be out of love for God because He first loved us.
"I'm going to eat healthier and lose weight."
"I'm going to quit smoking."
"I'm going to stop swearing."
And the list goes on.
I read an interesting blog post by Mark Driscoll yesterday about why those resolutions never work. Sure, we go strong for a time, but by mid-February we find ourselves back at the McDonald's drive-thru, or buying a new pack of smokes at the gas station, or we hear those words coming out of our mouths we vowed to never say again. But why? We have good intentions, don't we? We know that it's better to eat a well-balanced meal than to scarf down a Big Mac, right? But like all things, it comes down to our intentions.
Why do you want to eat healthier and lose weight? Is it to impress someone? Is it because you hate how you look in that dress but you really want to wear it? Or do you want to live a healthier lifestyle because you want to honor God and treat your body as His temple? The same would apply to any bad habit we've adopted into our physical lifestyle. Why quit smoking? Because you know that you are treating the body with which the Lord had blessed you with contempt? Or because you "should"? Do you decide to stop cussing because you want to be seen as a better person, holier-than-thou? Or because you want to honor the Lord with your mouth; the mouth that He created?
I think we need to stop focusing so much on the "what" and begin to think about the "Who". Who are we doing this for? If I am trying to make these changes for me, I am doomed to fail. My flesh and my sin nature set me up for failure and disappointment. But if I truly want to give God the glory in all things, then the natural order of things is that I will start to live my life in a way that is honoring to Him. It all comes down to this: anything we do in our lives should be out of love for God because He first loved us.
Do Not Be Conformed
I posted this as a note on my facebook page a while back, just wanted to have it up here on the blog as well...More posts to come!
Romans 12:2 says "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed, by the renewing of your mind...."
I came to a startling realization this morning. More often than not, I conform to the pattern of this world. Ok, so that realization wasn't what startled me. I've been aware of that for a while. I've just never been able to figure out 1. why, and 2. how to practically be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Obviously God has to do the work, but I've got to be making an effort here too, right? No, what took me by surprised was finally realizing the why behind it.
Growing up, I was not one of the "popular" kids. In fact, I was the kid the popular kids picked on. A lot. I'm not really sure why, I just know they enjoyed victimizing me. (I know you're all really surprised by this; "No! It can't be!" you gasp) I think that as a result of this, I started trying to be the person that I thought they wanted me to be. If only I could be the kind of person that they like, they'll stop teasing me. Thus began my desire, even need, to please people. If I could just figure out what this person wants to hear, or what they like or don't like, I can conform my thoughts and ideas to mesh with theirs and then we'll live in perfect harmony! Gosh, what a sickly sweet idea, huh?
I have spent so much of my life trying to be somebody else just to please someone when the only One I need to please is God. And He loves me exactly as I am. I am free to be just Tiffany and nobody else. I'm still working on getting these truths communicated from my head to my heart, but I consider it a victory that I recognized the lie to begin with! It is my prayer that I would begin to view myself through the Lord's eyes and that because I am good enough for Him just as I am, then I am good enough for me, just as I am.
Romans 12:2 says "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed, by the renewing of your mind...."
I came to a startling realization this morning. More often than not, I conform to the pattern of this world. Ok, so that realization wasn't what startled me. I've been aware of that for a while. I've just never been able to figure out 1. why, and 2. how to practically be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Obviously God has to do the work, but I've got to be making an effort here too, right? No, what took me by surprised was finally realizing the why behind it.
Growing up, I was not one of the "popular" kids. In fact, I was the kid the popular kids picked on. A lot. I'm not really sure why, I just know they enjoyed victimizing me. (I know you're all really surprised by this; "No! It can't be!" you gasp) I think that as a result of this, I started trying to be the person that I thought they wanted me to be. If only I could be the kind of person that they like, they'll stop teasing me. Thus began my desire, even need, to please people. If I could just figure out what this person wants to hear, or what they like or don't like, I can conform my thoughts and ideas to mesh with theirs and then we'll live in perfect harmony! Gosh, what a sickly sweet idea, huh?
I have spent so much of my life trying to be somebody else just to please someone when the only One I need to please is God. And He loves me exactly as I am. I am free to be just Tiffany and nobody else. I'm still working on getting these truths communicated from my head to my heart, but I consider it a victory that I recognized the lie to begin with! It is my prayer that I would begin to view myself through the Lord's eyes and that because I am good enough for Him just as I am, then I am good enough for me, just as I am.
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