In Remembrance, Matthew Shian

November 21, 2001. There are certain days that are forever etched into your memory; for some it's the day that Kennedy was shot, for others it's 9/11. For me, and a handful of others, it's November 21, 2001, the day before Thanksgiving.

My mom, step-dad and I had just arrived in Milwaukee at my Aunt Cyndy's to celebrate the holiday with Cyndy and her partner, Janice and were sitting down to dinner. About halfway through the meal, my mom got a call on her cell from my dad. Thinking he wanted to talk to me, she handed the phone over and I answered, but he requested to talk to mom. She took the phone to the kitchen and moments later I heard what I like to refer to as the "Mom-gasp".  A few minutes later, she sat back down at the table and broke the news. My cousin Matt, age 26, had been found in his car in his dad's garage, dead at his own hand.

I remember a lot about the rest of that night, yet it all seemed so surreal. We talked about Matt around the table and what a tragedy it was to lose someone so young. I remember just being in shock at the news. I knew he had been struggling, but I never knew how much. We lived completely different lives. I remember being so angry with him, not because he was dead, but because he had left us all behind. We would have helped him through it, didn't he know that?? I remember crying myself to sleep that night, wondering if he was happy now. But there was an element of bitterness to it. How could he put us all through this? Didn't he know how much it would hurt those he left?

I didn't get to go to his funeral. I was already back at Drake and the weather kept me from getting back home. It took me a long time to get the closure I needed, I think, because of that. The following year or so proved to be a difficult one, but I had a close group of friends who supported me through it all.

In the coming months, people would ask me if we were close. Maybe not so much as I was at Drake and he was trying to find himself in Minnesota. We saw each other at holiday get-togethers and that was about it. But growing up, Matt and his younger brother, Chris, were the only cousins I had nearby. I guess you could say we grew up together in a way. Regardless of our relationship, he will always be family and I love him.

It's been eleven years to the day that Matt took his own life and once again, it is the day before Thanksgiving. I think for that reason the day has been so prevalent in my mind today. That, and the desire to keep Matt's memory alive. Despite what he may have thought (and I can not begin to imagine the depths of what he was thinking), he did have people who truly loved and cared about him. People who would have done anything for him. People who miss him every day.

Rest In Peace, Matthew Stephen Shian. You are loved and missed so much.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4