If you were paying attention to facebook today, you might have noticed a post of mine that suggested all was not well. That I felt abandoned. Then again, you could have been on facebook all day and that post might not have ever come across your news feed. Once I share the link to this blog on facebook who knows if anyone will see it? The only way I know who's been reading this is by people who comment on it and since not many people tend to leave comments, for all I know, I'm writing this to an empty audience. That's not the point here, by the way. I'm not looking for sympathy; I'm not looking for people to start leaving comments because they feel sorry for me. If you're going to comment, great! If not, that's great too. I guess I just like to know that people are reading my stuff because it's my hope that I can encourage someone else, or at the very least open up a part of me that maybe you didn't know about before.
So...back to abandonment. I think the fear I have of being abandoned, or being left alone, probably really goes back to my cousin Matt's suicide 10 years ago. Maybe it's something else, but I think that has a lot to do with it. A side-note: yes, I realize this is an irrational fear; what fear isn't? Also, I don't have a fear of being alone, as in by myself; I have a fear of being left alone, of being abandoned by the people I care about most. I mean, over the last 10 years I've seen a lot of people walk in and out of our church. I've seen people pour their lives into ministry only to eventually feel that the church fell short in meeting some need they had and they leave. I have been in the trenches with these people. To use a term I heard recently, we have been knit together, and then they leave and a piece of me gets ripped apart. It never gets any easier. (So encouraging, I know!)
Here are the things I need to remember though:
I cannot rely on people for my happiness or feelings of worth. People will disappoint you. They may not do it on purpose, but because nobody is perfect we will all fall short. God, however, will not disappoint you. He may not do things in the way you want or expect, but because His plans are always better than our own, He does not disappoint. He always follows through and He always keeps His promises. And He will never leave nor forsake me.
In friendships, expect hard times, but don't let them defeat the relationship.
Don't be afraid to let it all out. Laugh. Cry. Scream.
Act humbly.
Seek God together
Pray
Share your life.
Decide if it's worth it enough to fight for it.
True fellowship is messy. It doesn't fit into a neat little box or fulfill a prescribed formula. If it doesn't hurt when they leave, you haven't put enough of yourself into the relationship. The question is, are you willing (am I willing) to go through that pain over and over again? Because, unfortunately, people will leave. Not always, and not everyone, but it happens. And as much as it's easier to not let myself get close to people for fear of losing them, I can't not get close. God did not create us to live this life alone. He created us to be in fellowship as He is in fellowship (the Trinity). He didn't promise it would be easy, but in my experience, it is worth it.
