Loving God First, Last and Always

Man, it's been awhile. This summer has been...well, other than hot, kind of a whirlwind. I can't believe we're almost halfway into July already! I think that as I get older, time tends to keep going faster. Sometimes I'd really like to just put life on pause so I can get a clear view of where I'm going.

I've been participating in West Town's Epicenter program this summer, something I haven't done since I think 2006. It's been really good; challenging, but good. God is working on me in a lot of ways, especially with things that tend to get in the way of my relationship with Him. The first week, Rory Whitney came and spoke and focused mostly on loving God with our whole heart, soul, mind and strength and removing idols from our lives. Until recently, I don't think I had realized how many idols I've set up in my own life. Honestly, I left that message feeling a bit like a failure as a Christian and a rough couple of weeks followed. And then I tend to get stuck in this trap of thinking that I have to perform well in order for God to accept or love me. I know that's not true. I'm a work in progress. There are just so many things I want to let go of, but I'm not sure I know how.

My fear of rejection
The need for human acceptance
My desire to be married

The first two kind of go hand in hand. But they trip me up so much when it comes to sharing my faith with people. I don't want people to reject me and so I don't step out and talk about my faith. I fear being left alone and so I'd rather go with the crowd than be left behind. By the way, I view this differently from being alone (as in by myself). I thoroughly enjoy my "alone" time!

The third one I don't tend to share as much. Not that it's a bad thing to want to be married, but I think this is probably one of the biggest things that gets in the way of me really loving God. It really has become a huge idol in my life. Sometimes I feel like I must be doing something wrong somehow and if I could just fix whatever it is, God would give me a spouse. I know I need to be looking to the Giver and not the gift. I understand that God's timing is perfect, but my heart doesn't believe it yet. Yet being the key word there. I just need to daily fix my eyes on Christ and ask Him for help in staying focused on Him. I pray that He would not just be my first love, but that He would be my only Love. And the rest will follow.