Thoughts and Ramblings

Ok, I admit it. Sometimes I feel like a total fake when it comes to my faith. I know all the right things to say and do, but when it comes to the things that matter to God (namely, my heart), am I really any different from the rest of the world? I think I have this tendency to check things off of my list (read the Bible; check, pray; check, go to church; check) and feel like God and I are doing all right. But am I really allowing Him control of my life? Am I letting the Holy Spirit change me from the inside out? Or am I still as prideful and self-righteous as I've always been? Admittedly there have been days that I've thought back on the day and actually had the thought "I don't remember sinning today..." Well, there's one right there, right? Thinking that I haven't done something to offend God? I don't think any of us can get through the day without sinning somehow, as Jesus Christ was the only person ever to live on this planet who was completely sinless.

I am tired of putting on one mask for certain situations and then putting on another for the world. Did you know it is exhausting trying to be someone you're not? I simply can't do it anymore. I am a Child of God, created in His image. He knew me in my mother's womb; knows everything about me. He knows all of my shortcomings and all of the things that make me tick. He knows my passions, good and bad, and He has created me for good works which He has had in mind since long before the world began. He created me for such a time as this, to belong to Christ and His Church. Even on the worst of days, when I feel like I've messed up beyond repair, God loves me and sees me as beautiful. I am the Bride of Christ.

This is not a post, by the way, berating myself for all of my failings as a Christian. Because I do recognize that there is grace; that God is merciful, but also that He is just. And to take advantage of His grace just to continue sinning is wrong. "Well, it's really ok that I just sinned because I'm saved and God has forgiven me." Okay, true, to a certain extent. If I am truly washed in the blood of the Lamb, then all of my sins, past, present and future are forgiven. But if I continue to live in bondage to the same sin, then I nail Christ to the cross all over again. I am essentially spitting in the face of my Savior, who shed His blood for me. But when I let grace enter in and I give everything up to Him, He is the one who changes me. It is not through anything I can do on my own. It is only by His Spirit that I can let go of my selfish ambitions, my pride, my anger, my foolishness, my lusts, my impulsiveness. I am so grateful to belong to a God who is so forgiving that He loves me just as I am, but One who is so just that He refuses to leave me this way!