A Beautiful Mess

There are days when I feel like a total mess. Like I'll never have it together. Like I would literally lose my head if it wasn't attached to my neck. Days like today. When all the emotions and all the anxiety run together into one huge tangled spider web of crazy. And it's all I can do to keep from screaming or breaking down in tears. I know I'm not trusting the Lord in those moments. But it's so hard to turn off those mental tapes. 

You suck. Get it together. Stop being stupid. Why are you such an idiot?

See. I would never say those things to my friends or family. But that's my self-talk. And I know that it's all lies. Lies. Lies. But "taking every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ" is a heckuva lot harder than it seems. My thoughts run away from me and before I know it I've gone down this spiral of self-despair and pity. And all I can ask is, "Lord, why did You make me this way? Why am I such a mess?" And I don't have an answer. But He did and I'm working on accepting myself the way that I am. Because He created me this way. To be a scatterbrained mess. To forget things. To feel broken, because...I am broken. In so many ways.

And that just doesn't always jive with my perfectionist tendencies. You wouldn't guess it; would you? That I have this deep "need" to be "perfect". But every bit of anxiety and worry all comes from this need to be in control and to have things be "just so". And if you offer to help me, that's fantastic. But make sure you do it "right", because if you don't there's a real good chance that I'll turn around and do it over again the way I want it done. But it's not you. It's me. So you can remind me (gently) that I'm not perfect, and neither are you, and most importantly: God doesn't ask me to be. I can approach His holy throne with boldness and confidence and know that He isn't going to turn me away because I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together. Remind me to REST in God's grace and goodness. And that there is beauty amidst my brokenness.

Confession: I Have A Drug Addiction

But the drug I'm addicted to saves my life every day, so I think I've got a pretty good reason. See, when I was 15, my pancreas decided to take a permanent vacation, go on strike, I don't know what, but my body pretty much decided to quit producing insulin. So now I act as my own pancreas. I bet all of you people out there who have a normally functioning pancreas don't even think twice about what that particular organ does, or maybe you didn't even know you had one. Or what it does. Short version? Your pancreas produces insulin which is what allows the carbs from the food you eat to enter your blood cells so your body can use that as energy. Without insulin, those carbs (sugar) just kind of float around in your blood stream and since your body can't get its energy from food, it starts to steal from other places in the body, like fat and muscle cells.

But I'm not writing this to bore you with a science lesson. The fact is you can't look at someone and just know that they're an insulin dependent diabetic. It's not written on my forehead. I can live a pretty normal life. The thing is, I do, mostly. But there are the days where diabetes is just a jerk and it invades every moment. I can't go anywhere without making sure I have snacks on hand in case of a low blood sugar. What happens if I run out of snacks and that low is just stubborn and persistent and I can't get back in a normal range? I have to make sure I have the insulin that I need to cover the food that I eat, and I need to be able to do the math to figure out my dosages per meal. Yes, I can eat anything you can eat, but I have to plan for it. Five different types of desserts at a potluck? Sure I could cover that, but it wouldn't be smart. Pick one. Besides, who wants to do all that math?

There are days like yesterday when after lunch I couldn't keep my blood sugars much above 60 for any period of time, no matter how much I ate. Or bedtime last night when it was at least an hour and a half before I felt safe going to sleep because, again, my levels were low. Why does it matter? Because there's no guarantee that I would have woken up this morning. I'm not trying to sound dramatic; it's just a fact of being diabetic. Generally, I feel my lows when I'm sleeping and will usually wake up. I treat, test again, go back to bed. No big deal. But there's no guarantee. I finally got my levels to a decent level, went to bed, and then less than two hours later at 3 a.m., went low again. A juice box, a few glucose tablets, and some fruit snacks later I was good to go back to bed. But that was about a 45 minute process. And as a result, I am completely exhausted today.

To be frank, diabetes can suck. I could ignore it, which I have done, but long-term that's just a really terrible idea. So now I'm choosing to attempt to manage it better than I have the past several years because I don't like the idea of facing liver or kidney failure, heart disease, blindness, or amputation down the road. I'm so thankful for the Diabetic Online Community which I have discovered within the last few months; it's such a great reminder that I'm not alone in this, that people understand what it's like to want to just shove your face during a low blood sugar. Or the tiredness that comes with a high.

This post isn't to complain about being diabetic, but it is written with the intention to hopefully educate people who don't know what it's like. This is my life and I'm going to use every opportunity I have to educate and advocate so that one day we might have a cure!

My Faith Story

I might have done this a while ago, but I think it's good to keep our own faith stories fresh in our minds so that we remember where we came from and what God has saved us from.            

Growing up, I was what I’ve recently heard referred to as a “Chreaster”, meaning we only went to church on Christmas and Easter. Occasionally, I would go to church with my Grandma or Grandpa and attend Sunday School, but I wasn’t really exposed to the gospel a whole lot. To me, being a Christian just meant that you believed in God. I celebrated the major holidays; what more do you want?

            

My mom’s oldest sister and her family are all born again believers though, and when I was younger, I used to fly down to Arizona for a week to visit them. Little did I know at the time that my Aunt Kathie would arrange it so that the week I visited them fell on the same week as their church’s VBS. When I was eight, on one of these visits, my oldest cousin Jason sat down and shared the gospel with me. “You could walk outside and get hit by a car and die tomorrow,” he told me. “You don’t know.” I’m not sure I really gave it much thought beyond, “I don’t want to go to hell when I die,” and so I prayed the prayer I think more as an insurance policy than anything else. I had no idea what it meant to be a follower of Jesus anymore than I fully understood what it meant to be “saved”.

            

So I returned home to Minnesota with the new Bible my Aunt had bought me, but there wasn’t anybody there who could help me grow in my walk with Christ. I attended church off and on, but I was only 8 or 9 and obviously couldn’t drive myself there. Over the years, I tried to get into reading the Bible and on occasion my Dad would take me to the church he worked at, but as much as I wanted to pursue God, I just couldn’t figure out how. It wasn’t until I got to Drake that I began walking with Christ, getting into the fellowship and learning who God is.

            

Looking back on that time growing up, however, I’ve realized that God protected me from a lot of things that I could have gotten involved in; things that a lot of my friends got involved in. I never had even the smallest desire to drink alcohol (still don’t, actually), do drugs, get in the party scene, etc. I used to think that because I was such a “good girl” growing up, my God story wasn’t worth telling. I didn’t go through some dramatic change in my life after coming to know the Lord; my story isn’t as “good” or compelling as someone who was addicted to drugs one day and then is completely clean as soon as they give their life over to Jesus. But I’ve also come to realize that I do have a story to tell and God has worked in my life as much as He has anyone else’s.

            

I wouldn’t claim to have this all figured out, though. I struggle daily to understand what it means to truly follow Jesus; to not follow what the world is doing or saying, to live a life that’s pleasing to Him. Some times I feel like a total failure and I wish I could just start over. It’s usually in those times that I think I’ve forgotten what grace is and that God gives it to me in abundance. I fear rejection because I experienced so much of it as a child and so I worry too much about what people think of me, and then I end up not taking the opportunities God gives me to share even a small nugget of Truth with them.

            

Recently, I started questioning my own faith as a result of this and a message given during the gospel of Mark series. “If you’re really following Christ, you should be making disciples.” I’ve never discipled anyone. I’m not even sure I was discipled myself, to be honest. I can pretty much count on one hand the number of times I’ve gone through the gospel with someone. And so I started asking and doubting if my faith was really real. Have I just been fooling myself and everybody else all this time? Do I really believe this? And somehow that even led to questioning God’s goodness to the point where I couldn’t even sing during worship at church on Saturday nights. I would just stand back in the booth and cry because I hated how I was feeling and I hated that I was doubting God.

            

It was a conversation I had with one of the women in my small group about conviction versus condemnation that I began to see that I was believing lies. I had been feeling condemned and that doesn’t come from God. Guilt is from Satan. Romans 8 says that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Conviction, however, does come from the Spirit and I have definitely been convicted. But I am not guilty. I think it was this conversation and the subsequent PTL conference on sowing that I started to believe in the goodness of God again. Every worship song, every message, it all spoke straight to my heart like it was meant for me to hear.

            

Does God want me make disciples? Of course! He commands it. Will I still get to heaven if I don’t? Again, of course. I am washed by the blood of the Lamb! But do I want to get there by the skin of my teeth? No; I want to store up for myself treasures in heaven, keeping my eyes fixed on eternity. Because whatever is holding me back here from sharing the love of Christ with people is worth far less than what I have waiting for me there!

The destruction of a nation

15But Yahweh, the God of their ancestors sent word against them by the hand of His messengers, sending them time and time again, for He had compassion on His people and on His dwelling place. 16But they kept ridiculing God’s messengers, despising His words, and scoffing at His prophets, until the Lord’s wrath was so stirred up against His people that there was no remedy. 17So He brought up against them the king of the Chaldeans, who killed their choice young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary. He had no pity on young men or young women, elderly or aged; He handed them all over to him. 2 Chronicles 36:15-17

This passage was part of my reading in the Bible plan I've been doing for the last month or so. And I couldn't help but be struck by it. As I read this, my heart broke as I saw God essentially give up on His chosen people. I know that He did not give up on them, but He had to give them up for a time because they had fallen too far to be able to respond to all of His messengers and His compassion for them. And this is, in my humble view, the way that our nation is headed. 

The United States has been blessed as a nation as we look back on our history. We have freedoms that people in other countries have only dreamed about. But, we are not God's chosen people and we have taken liberties with the blessings we have received. We turn our backs on God, kicking Him out of our schools and out of the public setting, and then we shake our fists at Him when tragedy strikes. The Gospel message is rejected, God's Word is no longer seen as Truth, we turn and walk in sin, fulfilling our own pleasures and desires. If God hasn't given up on us yet, I wonder if He's close. I know I would be.

Disciple-maker

I have a lot on my mind today, which may result in this being a really long post or possibly two shorter ones. We'll see where we end up :-)

First, Dan's message at church last night really resonated with me. Or rather, it was more like a Gibbs-style smack upside the head, but either way it was really good. (I know, how can a smack upside the head be a good thing? Trust me. It was.) Last night, Dan talked about how Jesus went about making disciples as part of a series in the Gospel of Mark. I'll confess, this is not something I excel at. In fact, I feel a bit like a fish out of water when it comes to this topic of following Christ. But, there were a couple points that really hit home for me.

Being a disciple-maker is a natural outflow of being a Christ-follower. In Mark 1:17, Jesus tells Simon and Andrew, "Follow me, and I will make you fish for people!" (HCSB) Not, "You might end up fishing for people", or "You'll probably fish for people". No. "I will make you fish for people." The NIV says that Jesus will send you out to fish for people. He will send us out. The problem is, we can refuse to go, which is in direct opposition to the command we are given in Matthew 28. "Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations."

I can't really honestly say that I've ever invested in somebody's life in a way that says, "I'm discipling this person." Which causes me to question a few things. Do I really get what it means to follow Christ? Sure, I can spout off the right answers to the questions and I know all the right things to say, but when it comes down to it, will I be that person who gets to heaven by the skin of their teeth? How have I made an impact for eternity? Where do I start?

This is where I think my own discipleship process is severely lacking. While there have been people in my life who have invested in me and in my growth as a believer, I don't think there has really been that one person who has guided me and shown me what all of this is supposed to look like. I suppose some of it you figure out as you go along, but some things don't come as naturally to me as others. I also think that many of the people who have taken the time to invest in me have since left the area, left the church, etc, may have an effect as well. I don't know. Maybe I'm reaching here and the only person I can really look at as to why I'm not making disciples is me. Perhaps it's a combination of both.

Dan's last point about how Jesus made disciples was that He loved them. How? What is love? The Oxford Dictionary of English defines love as "A strong feeling of affection and sexual attraction for someone"..."Great interest and pleasure in something". This is how the world defines love. It is a feeling. But somehow, I don't think this is the kind of love we're talking about here.

There are several different types of love in the Bible. There is brotherly love, loving in a social sense (to welcome, to entertain, to be fond of, to love dearly), and then there is agape love. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that love is a feeling, but instead, it is an action. It is in how we serve our neighbor. It is a choice that we make.

And it is key to making disciples. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 says,

1If I speak human or angelic languages
but do not have love,
I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
2If I have the gift of prophecy
and understand all mysteries
and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith
so that I can move mountains
but do not have love, I am nothing.
3And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor,
and if I give my body in order to boast
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

In all that I do for Christ, if I do not love, it means nothing.

How have I loved? Have I loved people in the same way Christ as loved me?

I failed to love someone today. I drove right by someone who I think was having car troubles because I was too focused on getting somewhere else to serve somebody else. Who had the greater need? I could have stopped and I cringed as I drove on by as I realized that I could have stopped. I probably could have done something to help. It's times like these that I am so grateful for the grace and forgiveness that I have in Christ. 

Part 2 up next!

Take a deep breath....

So there's a possibility I'm going to step on some toes with this post. And I might offend some people reading this. But there are just some things that I feel need to be said, so without further ado....

If you hadn't heard already, Minnesota, my home state, passed the marriage "equality" law today. It's pretty much all I saw on facebook all day today from old high school friends and teachers, and while they're all celebrating I'm grieving. Grieving the loss of morality in our country and grieving because we have turned our backs on God. Grieving the loss of an absolute truth, because guess what folks? You can't have one thing be true and then have the exact opposite thing be true. Relative truth is a lie. Either 2+2=4 or it doesn't. But 2+2 can't equal 4 and 6 at the same time.

And tt's not just this. It's the media blackout on the Gosnell trial and the 55 million babies who have been murdered since Roe v. Wade. It's the young children being tried for the murder of a parent or a sibling. I look at everything that is wrong in our country and a part of me asks why? Why is this all happening?

But then I remember: SIN. This crazy weather? Yep, sin is the cause of that too. Our planet, the one that God created specially for us, has been slowly dying ever since the Fall. And we are dying too. Slowly but surely, humanity is dying a very painful death and it's so hard to watch. Mankind is so blinded by the desires of the flesh and by our own self-righteousness. We are so wretched and broken without Christ. It is time for this nation to get down on it's knees and repent! Christians, we need to pray for our country harder than ever before and we need to stand up and fight for the things we believe in! The time for wishy-washy Christianity has come to an end. Love your neighbor, yes, but loving them doesn't always mean taking the easy way out. Oppose them if you have to, but always follow Christ's example and love them first.

Jesus, thank you for the promise You made in 2 Chronicles, that "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." We are on our knees before You, humble, contrite and repentant. We seek your help and your guidance, Lord. Help us to become the nation we once were, dependent solely on You for our every need. Bring revival to our land, Father. Help us to stand for the things that are honoring and pleasing to You. 

In Christ's Name we pray, Amen.

Isaac

I don't know how many of you reading this blog have been following the events recently regarding the international adoption scene in Russia, as the media hasn't felt the need to cover them, but some significant changes have taken place in that arena. I probably would be completely oblivious to it myself if it weren't for Isaac.

Isaac is the little boy from Russia who my cousin and his family in Arizona were in the process of adopting. They had gone on their first visit this past November and had finally met this precious little boy for whom God has moved mountains, and then in December, Russian president Putin started talking about placing a ban on Russian adoptions out of the U.S., which went into effect in January. Since that time, people have been working to fight against the ban, trying to get these babies home to the families already in process. This past Thursday, several representatives from adoption agencies in Russia met with the U.S. Department of State and at the end of the day, hundreds of families were told that they would not get to bring their children home. Russia has closed its' doors to U.S. adoptions.

I can't fully explain it, but there is something about Isaac that just incites you to love him just based on his picture. From the time that Jason and Jaime began this process two years ago, this little boy has captured my heart and I've never even met him. I was so looking forward to him coming home!

To say that I was disappointed upon hearing the news on Thursday could be classified as an understatement. Upset, yes. Grieving, most definitely. Angry? Yeah. I was. I'll fully admit to having a momentary "crisis of faith" (which sounds super over-dramatic). I just couldn't understand, and still really don't, why God would have moved so many mountains to get Isaac closer and closer to home and then at the most pivotal moment, why would He stay His hand? Why not move this mountain? If God is so good, why did He turn His back on these precious children?

It dawned on me the next morning as I was journaling about all of this, it was as though a voice whispered to my heart, "Tiffany, don't you think that I am weeping for them too?" Of course God has not turned His back. He is holding these children safe in His loving arms and He will make a way for them to have a better life. He must have a plan; I just don't know what it is. But He is watching over them. He is good and He is doing good.