I am never alone

If you were paying attention to facebook today, you might have noticed a post of mine that suggested all was not well. That I felt abandoned. Then again, you could have been on facebook all day and that post might not have ever come across your news feed. Once I share the link to this blog on facebook who knows if anyone will see it? The only way I know who's been reading this is by people who comment on it and since not many people tend to leave comments, for all I know, I'm writing this to an empty audience. That's not the point here, by the way. I'm not looking for sympathy; I'm not looking for people to start leaving comments because they feel sorry for me. If you're going to comment, great! If not, that's great too. I guess I just like to know that people are reading my stuff because it's my hope that I can encourage someone else, or at the very least open up a part of me that maybe you didn't know about before.

So...back to abandonment. I think the fear I have of being abandoned, or being left alone, probably really goes back to my cousin Matt's suicide 10 years ago. Maybe it's something else, but I think that has a lot to do with it. A side-note: yes, I realize this is an irrational fear; what fear isn't? Also, I don't have a fear of being alone, as in by myself; I have a fear of being left alone, of being abandoned by the people I care about most. I mean, over the last 10 years I've seen a lot of people walk in and out of our church. I've seen people pour their lives into ministry only to eventually feel that the church fell short in meeting some need they had and they leave. I have been in the trenches with these people. To use a term I heard recently, we have been knit together, and then they leave and a piece of me gets ripped apart. It never gets any easier. (So encouraging, I know!)

Here are the things I need to remember though:

I cannot rely on people for my happiness or feelings of worth. People will disappoint you. They may not do it on purpose, but because nobody is perfect we will all fall short. God, however, will not disappoint you. He may not do things in the way you want or expect, but because His plans are always better than our own, He does not disappoint. He always follows through and He always keeps His promises. And He will never leave nor forsake me.

In friendships, expect hard times, but don't let them defeat the relationship.
Don't be afraid to let it all out. Laugh. Cry. Scream.
Act humbly.
Seek God together
Pray
Share your life.
Decide if it's worth it enough to fight for it.

True fellowship is messy. It doesn't fit into a neat little box or fulfill a prescribed formula. If it doesn't hurt when they leave, you haven't put enough of yourself into the relationship. The question is, are you willing (am I willing) to go through that pain over and over again? Because, unfortunately, people will leave. Not always, and not everyone, but it happens. And as much as it's easier to not let myself get close to people for fear of losing them, I can't not get close. God did not create us to live this life alone. He created us to be in fellowship as He is in fellowship (the Trinity). He didn't promise it would be easy, but in my experience, it is worth it.

It's Okay to Cry...

I don't think this will be a long post tonight; I just had a few thoughts come to me and I wanted to jot them down and share them.

Over the course of my life I have learned that to cry is to show weakness. No, let me amend that. To cry in front of other people is to show weakness. It's ok to cry when you're alone, but to do it in the presence of other people is taboo. Growing up, I was the kid everyone picked on. One of the biggest things they would attack was my propensity to be a "cry-baby" (evidently I was just too sensitive as a kid). I was told "just ignore them and they'll leave you alone." But ignoring them = not standing up for myself and then they were just relentless. How long will it take for us to break Tiffany down?

Through those experiences I suppose I learned to just shut down my emotions. Not completely; there are many circumstances in which I have just let loose and not to my (or anyone else's) benefit. I haven't learned to control my emotions; just to suppress them, which leads to outbursts of emotion. As a result of this, I often find it difficult to be sympathetic to other people in their struggles. I don't do it in an effort to be cruel but because I've spent so much time squashing down my own emotions, I have a hard time feeling for other people.

Two events have happened/are happening in my life this year that I believe God is using to bring me out of that. The first is watching and praying as our dear family friend Don watched his wife, Jane, succumb to liver cancer this summer. Even hundreds of miles away I was able to keep tabs on things through their Caring Bridge site and experience the pain that Don felt as his "little bird" flew away to the Father's arms. Seeing the tender, unconditional, love he has for her began to lift the layers off of my hardened heart. Second is watching my cousin Jason, his wife Jaime, and their family go through the process of raising money to adopt Isaac, a little boy from Russia with Down Syndrome. I can't explain it. Something about this precious child has gotten under my skin. I so desire for the Lord to move mountains in order to bring this little boy home! I think knowing what Isaac is going through (knowing in a head knowledge way, not in an intimate "I understand what he's going through" way), has made me appreciate the kids I work with at the daycare more. I know that each one of them is precious in the Lord's sight, but He has made me realize that they are precious in MY sight too.

So thank you, Don and Jane, Jason and Jaime, for being so unwavering in your faith. Thank you for believing the Lord for seemingly impossible things and showing me the power of love and faith.

Giving Him my all

The cost of discipleship. What is it? When it all comes down to it, doesn't Jesus ask for my life? Hasn't that been the theme of the last several months (ok, my entire Christian life)? He's asking me for my all. All of my time, all of my worries, all that I have and all that I am. Who is living my life? Who has the control here? Because as much as I want to say He is, I know that's a lie. I want to give it all to God, I really do, but I lack the faith to follow through.

God, give me strength! I want my life to look different. I want Jesus to be my All in all. I don't want to live to impress the world, but I want to live in a way that is pleasing to my God and Father in Heaven. I want to live with my eyes fixed on eternity. I want YOU to be in my heart, on my mind and on my lips always. I pray that I would be Your hands and Your feet; a light to the world that is always shining. I must decrease; He must increase.

God help me to get out of the way of what You want to do! Help me to die to myself, to my flesh, to my desires. Show me how to grab hold of the dreams You have for me. Place me in the center of Your will.

Fill me with Your love, Your grace and Your mercy. Mold me, refine me, break me, Father. Strip it all away so that all I have left is You. Show me the changes you want me to make and help me make them. Help me rely on You for the things I can't do on my own. Hold my hand and walk with me. Help me to trust that You will carry me through the difficult times and to know that even in the darkest moments of my life, I will never walk alone. Help me to lay down my life at Your feet and to take up my cross every day. Help me to choose You for my today, every day. Help me to know You and love You more and more each day.

Give me a heart for the lost. Break my heart for the ones who don't know You; the ones who need a Savior.
Help me open my mouth and speak a word of Truth to someone who needs to hear it.
Given me the capacity to love more, to give more, to serve more.
Be my Everything.
Be my Joy in times of pain.
Be my Peace when I am tempted to worry.
Be my Teacher and my Guide when I have lost my way.
Be the Song in my heart.
Be the Reason I live.

Waiting

Waiting on God is something I feel like I've been doing a lot of lately. Or maybe it's more waiting for God. Just waiting for something to happen in my life. Waiting for something better to come along on the job front or just waiting for my job to improve. Waiting for a spouse. Waiting for West Town Sunday to see some growth. Waiting to see where my life is going. Honestly, I'm tired of waiting.

I don't need to see the whole path, but right now I can't seem to see much beyond the next week, let alone the next 5 years. I try to cling to God's Word and His promises. I know, intellectually, that He hasn't forgotten me or just left me here, but my head can't seem to communicate that knowledge to my heart.

Wait for the LORD; be courageous and let your heart be strong. Wait for the LORD. 
Psalm 27:13-14

Do you not know? Have you not heard? Yahweh is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never grows faint or weary; there is no limit to His understanding.  He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless. Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint. 
Isaiah 40:28-31 (HCSB)

I know I need to just trust that God has my best interests at heart. I want to trust that He does. I know that He is good and He is in control, yet I find it incredibly difficult to relinquish that control completely to Him and surrender everything I am and have so that He can have it all. We used to sing this song at Alive way back in the day. Maybe I need to listen to it again:

All For Jesus, Robin Mark

Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have, 
and ever hope to be
Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have,
and ever hope to be


All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these
Into Your hands
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these
Into Your hands


For it's only in Your will 
That I am free
For it's only in Your will
That I am free


Jesus, all for Jesus
All I am and have
And ever hope to be

Battery/Electrical power and serving

I posted on facebook earlier this afternoon that I feel kind of like the Energizer bunny of running sound...I just keep going and going and going and....you get the idea. The thing about batteries though is that they don't rely on anything to work. Other than the alkaline that's been placed in them of course. But eventually the alkaline runs out and the battery dies. Then you have rechargeable batteries with lithium or some other substance. These are nice because they can be used over a longer period of time but eventually they won't keep their charge as long and they'll become ineffective as well. So while batteries are great in some aspects, they will stop working at some point.

Now take something that requires electricity. You plug it into an outlet and off you go. No need to worry about it going kaput unexpectedly, right? Unless you're blowing a fuse yes. Plugging in is better than running off of battery power. Except for when you don't necessarily want to be tethered to a cord and desire some freedom.

 What does this have to do with my walk with the Lord and the things He's been showing me? Well, I've come to this realization that I've been trying to be like a battery rather than an electrical cord. With everything that I've committed myself to (which doesn't seem like a lot to an outsider, but to me it is), I've been trying to do it all on my own. Yes, I try to get up and get in the Word every morning, but in terms of committing my service to the Lord and asking Him to give me the strength (both physical and mental) to run sound at church and other events, I am severely lacking. And now, in a sense, I feel that my alkaline is running low. I need a recharge. The beauty about plugging into God and getting refreshed and recharged is that I don't need an unmoveable wall to do it. He is everywhere and I can plug in no matter where I am. So I think I need to be more like that electrical cord and stay plugged in rather than a battery that will eventually die/burn out. Besides, God doesn't blow fuses.

Respect

This is something I've been thinking about quite a bit recently. What is respect? How do you get it? How do you show it? Is respect something that you earn or something you learn to expect?

Websters Online Dictionary defines respect this way:

v. t.

1.

To take notice of; to regard with special attention; to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence, to care for; to heed.

                                       or

n.

1.

The act of noticing with attention; the giving particular consideration to; hence, care; caution. I've been talking about respect with the kids at work a little bit and the best definition I've been able to give them so they'll understand it is simply listening to each other. Respect is a lot more than that I realize; however, when you boil it down isn't that where respect begins? If I don't listen to someone then I am not taking notice of them, neither am I regarding them with special attention or as someone who worthy of special consideration. Showing respect to someone is essentially telling them that I have placed my wants and needs beneath theirs. In 3 year old terms, if 2 of my kids want the same toy and "Jill" had the toy before "Mikey", then the respectful thing for Mikey to do is to 1. ask politely if he can have a turn and 2. wait patiently until he gets what he wants. Of course, at the age of 3, everything must happen immediately! A 3 year old can only understand instant gratification and so Mikey wants the toy now and will do everything in his power to get it. What amazes me though is how many times in a day I have the following converstation:   "Tiffy, she won't share with me." "Did you use your words and ask nicely?" "No." "Go ask then." As soon as the offended child uses his/her "nice words" (please can I have that when you're done?), the child who has the toy is suddenly very agreeable to the idea of sharing! The method isn't full-proof of course, but the majority of the time, it works quite well. So even at a very young age, we all desire to be treated with respect. We want people to listen to us and to treat us in a way that makes us feel important. So then, how does one get respect? I was always taught growing up that when it came to adults, you were to show respect no matter what. There was no back-talk like you hear from so many children today; you never mouthed off to Mom and Dad because it just wasn't acceptable. There were consequences for those actions. I never questioned it, but I'm sure there are many young people who have asked the question, "why? Why should I respect my elders? They haven't done anything to earn my respect." Exodus 20:12 says “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." There is blessing from the Lord when we choose to respect and honor our parents. I fully believe this includes our "elders" as well. In the case of people who are older than us, I believe that respect is something that should be given. And just because I don't agree with somebody's views, I can still show them respect by not judging them or their beliefs. Respect does not equal agreement. "A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone." Billy Graham Oh, how true! The kids in my class show me respect by listening to me and doing what I ask them to do. Simple as that. When a child is disrespectful towards me, or any other adult, that is when the hairs on the back of my neck stand up (probably not literally; I've never looked ;-)). But why? Is it because of the way I was raised? I think that, in looking at the behaviors of some of the kids I work with, I see more and more a lack of respect from kids towards their parents and other adults in their lives. Many, not all, parents constantly give in to their kid's demands, especially when the child is being "whiny" or temperamental, just so they will stop and be quiet. What is this teaching them? If I whine and cry, I can get my way? Is that what we want our kids to learn today? How to manipulate people? Because I honestly think that's what we're doing every time we give in to a child's demands. Whatever happened to "please"? Or "thank you"? Respect is quickly becoming a thing of the past and that deeply saddens me. If we are looking at the children of today as the leaders of tomorrow, isn't it our job to teach them how to be respectful so that they grow to be men and women who have strength of character?

Reflections from Faithwalkers part 3

It's been a long-time coming, I know. Life tends to get away from me and I forget to post. Praise God that our lives are not dependent on whether or not I keep up with this blog!!

The next main session was given by Mark Darling in which he tagged on to Tim's earlier talk about the Cost of Discipleship. Mark opened with a WWII movie (couldn't tell you for the life of me what it was) and in it was this quote: "Consider yourself already dead." As a disciple of Christ, the only way that we can truly live for Him is to die for Him. Mark defines the cost of discipleship as this: "dying once, though painful, isn't as difficult as dying a thousand times everyday for the rest of your life." God wants to work a death in our lives every day.

Luke 14:27-33
And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
   ²⁸ “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? ²⁹ For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, ³⁰ saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’
   ³¹ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?³² If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. ³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

Jesus tells us that we should not even begin to follow him until we have counted the cost; until we have examined what we will have to give up and then have decided if we can make the sacrifices necessary. Are we willing to give everything up to Him?

The great struggle is putting to death the deeds of the flesh. 
Galatians 5:24 (NLT) Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed their passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

Are we able to let go of the things we hold most dear? Especially the sin in our lives that has become so much a part of ourselves that we can't imagine life without it? I know that sounds strange; why would I want to hold onto something that's keeping me from truly knowing my God, but as fallen human beings we do so often have a hard time letting go of the things that aren't good for us.

God does not make things reasonable. Submission to the unreasonable and unfair things is the hard part. God will take you by the hand and lead you to places you don't want to go.


Don't be fooled, friends! Being a disciple of Christ is not easy. Really, it should be the hardest thing any of us should ever have to do. But, so long as we are in Christ, it does not have to be the most impossible thing we ever have to do!


It's better to know Him than to know what's coming.
Truthfully, if you knew before becoming a Christian all of the trials you would walk through; all of the difficult times, hard decisions, the things you would have to give up, would you have made the decision to follow Christ? I honestly don't know that I would have. I certainly haven't had the same degree of trials as some; worse than a few, far less difficult than others, but I am weak. If I had known then what I would be faced with, I don't know that I would have walked down this road. I am so thankful that I have had God at my side every step of the way, leading me through some of the darkest places I have ever known. I would much rather know my God than know what is ahead of me.


A few closing thoughts:


All of my gifts are meant to be used for God's purpose.
Did you ever think about that? Every gift you have; every ability, they were all given to you by God to be used for His glory!


And finally....discipleship comes down to day to day decisions that we make. Are we counting the cost every day? Giving Him our everything? If He is our All in All, then shouldn't we be giving Him our all?
 

Reflections from Faithwalkers pt 2

Continuing on from Friday....


The purpose of my relationships is not my personal fulfillment. It is, instead, to be connected tightly to my God and other believers so I can be transformed and bring God glory.

When it comes to sharing our burdens with other believers, it isn't spiritual to be an island. Healthy relationships require openness and honesty.

I will be hurt and disappointed in my relationships. My heart will be tested.
When this happens I need to....
1) Be a good forgiver. If I can't forget about it, I need to talk about it
Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.
2) Get things out in the open
3) Be willing to make peace for the Kingdom
4) Check my thinking: is it true or twisted?
5) Forgive and maintain unity

Four H's to Evaluate Relationships
1) Is it helpful?
1 Corinthians 6:12 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.
1 Corinthians 10:23
2) Is it healthy?
3) Does it hinder anyone?
1 Corinthians 8:13
4) Is it holy and honorable
1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
⁷ For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.
Don't ask "is this wrong," but ask "is this wise?"

God is more than enough. Never give up.
James 5:11 Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.

God wants me to have an abundant life.
John 10:10 The thief only comes to kill and steal and destroy. I came that they might have life and have it abundantly.

Our lives are a constant series of choices, therefore embrace these choices.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them."

* Do the sum of my choices all day long reflect that I am choosing life? Or death?

Recognize I am special in God's eyes, therefore revel in it
Ephesians 1:4-5 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,

* I am a daughter of the King!
God is jealous for me. He is passionate about a relationship with me.
God loves me. Not for what I do, but for who I am.

Recognize your heart is your most valuable possession, therefore strengthen it.
When your heart becomes unguarded and casual it leads to carelessness. Carelessness leads to compromise, which then leads to catastrophe.
Your will to honor God should be stronger than your fleeting emotions.

When people around us leave, God is always still there. He is still faithful, even when we are not.
Psalm 105:12-15
When they were few in number,
of little account, and sojourners in it,
wandering from nation to nation,
from one kingdom to another people,
he allowed no one to oppress them;
he rebuked kings on their account,
saying, "Touch not my anointed ones,
do my prophets no harm!"

Recognize life is not a spectator sport, therefore engage in it
Ephesians 3:20-4:1 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,

Isn't Christ worth all your sacrifice?

to be continued.....