There are days when I feel like a total mess. Like I'll never have it together. Like I would literally lose my head if it wasn't attached to my neck. Days like today. When all the emotions and all the anxiety run together into one huge tangled spider web of crazy. And it's all I can do to keep from screaming or breaking down in tears. I know I'm not trusting the Lord in those moments. But it's so hard to turn off those mental tapes.
You suck. Get it together. Stop being stupid. Why are you such an idiot?
See. I would never say those things to my friends or family. But that's my self-talk. And I know that it's all lies. Lies. Lies. But "taking every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ" is a heckuva lot harder than it seems. My thoughts run away from me and before I know it I've gone down this spiral of self-despair and pity. And all I can ask is, "Lord, why did You make me this way? Why am I such a mess?" And I don't have an answer. But He did and I'm working on accepting myself the way that I am. Because He created me this way. To be a scatterbrained mess. To forget things. To feel broken, because...I am broken. In so many ways.
And that just doesn't always jive with my perfectionist tendencies. You wouldn't guess it; would you? That I have this deep "need" to be "perfect". But every bit of anxiety and worry all comes from this need to be in control and to have things be "just so". And if you offer to help me, that's fantastic. But make sure you do it "right", because if you don't there's a real good chance that I'll turn around and do it over again the way I want it done. But it's not you. It's me. So you can remind me (gently) that I'm not perfect, and neither are you, and most importantly: God doesn't ask me to be. I can approach His holy throne with boldness and confidence and know that He isn't going to turn me away because I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together. Remind me to REST in God's grace and goodness. And that there is beauty amidst my brokenness.
No comments:
Post a Comment